You know the saying.... "When life gives you lemons...... make lemonade", well, there's a limit to the amount of lemons you can crush, and I reached it about 3 months ago!
Right after my last post, I found out that my dad had terminal cancer, but the prognosis was that he had about a year. Knowing that my mom had 4 to 6 weeks and made it 4 months, that felt hesitantly like we had a little time. We started visiting once a week, hoping for some good conversations and were constantly reminden on how closed off dad was about EVERYTHING. We got information on what was going on in his life over the last week, doctors visits, and opinions, but if you asked anything about things I still wanted to know, he shut down, and told us to go home because he was tired. I get it, but I don't. But that's my problem, not his.
February 14th, we were going to visit, but Mike had a really bad cough, and we didn't want to pass that along to dad, so we called him the 13th after visiting Mikes doctor, who advised us not to go. He was upbeat, said it was OK, because his bed was being delivered on Wednesday, so he didn't have to go up and down the stairs anymore and he knew he would be tired after all the commotion. Thursday, we had to go to base to take care of some stuff and on the way home I got a text from my sister. "Get over here, your dad is dying!" Needless to say, we kept driving. Not going into details, but what we found, was far from what we were expecting. Friday at 1, we got another text. "Doctor is going to start the paleative sedation at 5, if you want to say goodby, get here!" Mind you, it's an almost 2 hour drive to get to his place from our place, so, we really had to hustle. When we got there, the whole house was full of people and I got a good 5 minutes to say my goodbyes. He passed away on Sunday afternoon. You would think that would be the worst of it, but it gets "better".
I asked what the arrangements were: no response
I asked when and where the funeral was going to be: I would find out when I received the announcement in the mail
I asked what the next step was going to be, what the plans were, if anything needed done: no response
My sister was in charge of the proceedings, and "IN CHARGE" she was. Nothing got shared with me. My nieces, her daughters, were in charge of the picture presentation and music, she was in charge of what happened when and I was informed less than dad's friends over what was going on, or coming. In a way, I get it. They were "there" I was not, but at the same time, it hurt to be locked out. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't help.
After I got the card, I got another surprise. Dads girlfriend was front and center on the card, mom was a sidenote and us girls were listed as "children and grandchildren" like we were an afterthought. Don't get me wrong. I loved her for him, and she took care of him, no doubt about that, but at the same time, it felt like he was her family and not ours. Somehow that doesn't feel right.....? I know my sister didn't have much love for dad and in her own words, she was "only taking care of him and his "sh@t because she wanted to show the world that SHE was a good daughter", but for me, he was my dad and I DO love him. As cantancarous as he was. It was her decision, and she was done with him. I have no idea what she tried to accomplish, but I hope at least she has peace with it, because it will be a tick before I do....
At the funeral, we lined up behind the casket and she, her husband and 2 daughters were accompanying dad down the isle with my sister and Mike and me following. I looked up at one point, and she was f*king WAVING, smiling and shaking hands like she was on a red carpet. Who DOES that?!
When the people left after the reception, one of my nieces pulled me aside and told me: "So, I heard you inherited something that I would like to talk about, because I believe it is mine, so give me a call sometime soon, OK? " You could have knocked me over with a feather!
Tuesday after the funeral, we trudged up to my dads house, were I found out several things, that pretty much made me second guess the last 12 years of us being here.
I was told, that eventhough my sisters had been going thru the house since Sunday (the funeral was Saturday) nothing had left the house, unless it was junk. NOT TRUE! Part of the furniture was gone, the bookcase had gaps in it that weren't there on Friday, and that was just first glance. The paperwork for the sale of the house was front and center, realtor was in place, we only needed to "clean this dump out" so it could be sold and they could move on with their lives...... Loving daughters, indeed. It also turned out that she had given things to the neighbors and
friends of dads (and hers) over the last 3 days, and even before the
funeral. And over the next couple of visits it turned out that she had several people come thru the house to see if they wanted anything..... Like it was hers to give away.
I was told that I had a say in what I would like to keep from mom and dads belongings. NOT TRUE! I was kept busy in the livingroom and every once in a while my oldest sister would walk up and show me something, asking if I wanted it. If I said yes, she would go thru it and claim part of it. EVERYTIME!
I was going thru the bookcase, already taking in account what she and my other sister might like and putting it aside, and still...... every 10 books I picked, one got picked out.
Even the food in the kitchen. At the very first day I was told
that the food in kitchen, barring what was hers(?) was mine, because both
her and my other sister had it a little better, and it would save us
money on groceries. So, when we opened the prepacked box, it contained a buttload
in variety of beans! When I saw the cabinet that first Tuesday, when it was offered, it had pasta's, coffee,
tea and cans of corned beef and salmon. Hmmmmm, wonder what happened to
those........ My guess? They were probably hers.
There was this little woodenshoe piggybank from the town I was born in, and I knew it had coins in it. Not many by the way it had rattled before, didn't know for sure what kind, but it was moms, and treasured by her for as long as I can remember. Since I was the only one born in Soesterberg, I wanted it. Before the funeral it was in one piece, lid on it and all, on the desk in the corner behind dad's casket. When I found it on Tuesday, the lid had been torn from it, nowhere to be found, and it was empty..... I took it anyway, but everytime I look at it it makes me cry, so for now, it's inside the china hutch. It's not for the coins, but the senseless destruction to get to them, for something I would have given them had they asked....
There was this steamer trunk that had all moms stuff in it, letters, keepsakes and such. The lock was busted to the point that it could not be repaired and pretty much made the whole thing useless and all the content was gone thru, making it look like a tornado had touched down ..... This was one of the things we would go thru with the three of us. Obviously, it was the 2 of them. I haven't had time to go thru what was left, before it was cleared out of the house by an estate dealer.
I was summoned to the master bedroom to look at things and was never left alone in there. She told me there were some bolo's of dads, and if I wanted one. I looked at them, but since the one I liked the best (Navajo Eagle inlayed in Turquoise and red Jaspis) was already given to his girlfriend, I didn't really want one, so I put them back. 2 days later, I was accused of stealing them, because after I handled them, she couldn't find them. I was told repeatedly, if I just returned them, nothing else would be said about it. I walked out at that point.
We had one more date set to get together and go thru the photo albums. She had already decided that I had no right to any of the pictures with her girls in them, and that all the pictures of nephews and nieces were going to them, I also did not have any rights to any pictures that didn't have me in it, because of privacy rules..... WTeverlovingF?!?! As if I would misuse them?! We grew up as a family, not seperate, and I would like to have some pictures of my sisters, nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles...... Who wouldn't? I knew she was warped and twisted about how we grew up, but Jesus.... this goes above and beyond crazy!
On the day we were to divide the pictures, I was told that that part would NOT take place, and it would be done by my sisters because I had a disruptive personality! What I could do, was take the boxes they had packed for me and leave. So I did. When we got home, I started to go thru them. The first box was total junk. A shredded boxlid, 6 pairs of old glasses, 2 empty plastic bags, 2 busted up plastic belts and some stuff I don't even remember, but the garbage can was full by the time I was done with the box. Second came bag with busted garden gnomes. A long time ago (about 50 years ago) I had repainted them, because they were faded. Somehow, that translated into them being mine.... But, I was told, the boxes were filled with stuff they thought I wanted. Thanks! I have no idea if/when and which pictures I'm going to get, and what will happen to the ones they do not divide, but I sure hope they get out of it what they think they need, because I'm done with the bunch. On top of this bullcrap, I had to constantly defend myself over a box of pictures I received from a niece years ago, because I was into the family tree, and she had found them in her moms attic but didn't want them anymore. So, according to what everybody preached about things received before dad passed being seperate and having no baring on anything, it should be mine to keep, especially since it wasn't even part of mom or dads things, but NO, they wanted it, and "big sis" made pretty darn sure that I knew I wouldn't get any of MY pictures, until they got theirs! Well, I guess I won't ever see my pictures, because I have no idea what happened to the box after our last move. Everything that was in the same cabinet, I have yet to find......
I figured out why I was banned though. Because I told her off. After 45 years of putting up with her overbaring bullying attitude so as not get a major shitshow thrown at me, growing up myself and seeing that whatever your upbringing, it's up to you do get over it, deal with it and do better, I just exploded. If you hear her tell it, we did NOT grow up in the same household, and I get that everybody's experience feels different, but she's so far out there, it's not even funny. So, I told her to quit the passive agressive shit, the "I said it with a smile, so you shouldn't get offended" and still cutting someone down, and that she was at an age that should be considered "grown up" and to act like it. She was not the only one that had a crap time in life, and she didn't get to take it out on me anylonger just because she needed to vent. Maybe a little harsh, but I was a little on edge too and not as tactful as I probably should have been :-) So maybe I AM a disruptive force for her..... So that took us into beginning of April.
April 13th I had an emergency surgery because my galbladder busted. NOT FUN! but I was healing OK, so even though I was looking at not lifting anything for another 5 weeks, I was ok, until Friday 2 weeks later. I was in more pain than I can remember ever having. So much so that I called an ambulance.... They took me to the ER where I stayed for 5 hours, painmeds firmly in place. I was discharged, with the explanation that there "may have been a little bit of a galstone still somewhere and it got stuck in whatever galtunnels you have left. It will happen sometimes. Sometimes as far out as a couple of years......" Tjeesh, that's something to look forward to! Doing Ok now, just constantly being reminded of all the crap I have to go thru and figure out what to do with, knowing I can't do any of it until at least halfway May. On the up side, if all the pre-packed boxes are like the first one, it's not gonna take long!
On top of that, is the ongoing debate, whether we are going to keep trying to make a life here, or go back to The States. Mike is done, has been done with being here, and the last almost 2 years with part of the family, and especially the treatment I've been receiving since dad passed, hasn't helped in changing his mind. I wanted to stay here for the family and a little bit of security, because we would have been living under a bridge the last couple of years in the US, without the social help we received since Mike went from one hospital stay into the next, a boss that wants to get rid of him, but does nothing to help, and screws him at every turn and no income, even though his last 2.5 years of pain is due to him going to work too quick, so he wouldn't lose his job! But, those considerations are slowly being wittled away on, so I'm waffling. This is my homecountry, but it's not the home I grew up in. I've gotten used to the open spaces in the US, the freedom of taking care of yourself the way you see fit, not the way the government thinks it ought to be done. I felt more at home in Iowa after a month, than I have here in the 12 years we've lived here, so yeah, I'm thinking.........
May 3rd came with a whole new anxiety flow. I almost lost the love of my life. He went into the ER with what looked like severe pnuemonia, and within 24 hours was admitted into the ICU, with talk of open heart surgery and possibly not surviving the weekend..... He had so much water accumulated in his lungs and belly that his heart couldn't function. The man I love more than life itself was dissappearing before my eyes. I slept in the hospital waitingroom from Thursday night thru Sunday morning with frequent trips to his bedside to make sure he was still breathing. Midday Sunday, he was transferred to a room with a daybed, and I could stretch out, while keeping an eye on the assortment of machines he was hooked up to keeping an extra eye on the monitor showing his breathing and heartbeat, while he rested...... He's home now, still week, tired and in a good deal of pain, but he's still here, and that's all we care about!
Since my immediate family is an assorted arrangement of nutjobs, except for 2 nieces and their families that I would miss SO MUCH, there's really nothing that holds us here anymore, but that brings up a whole other barrel of anxiety I'm not really ready to deel with right this minute. So for now, I want to clear the house of as much unneeded stuff as I can, with an eye on a probable move in our future, be it across the pond, or more north, closer to my nieces, hoping that my sisters don't object and put their influence on their kids to "good" use and pit them against us. Nothing is going to happen until Mike has his pension settled, and we know what it is going to be, but it feels like our limbo stick is getting too close to the ground to navigate for much longer..... we'll have to see.
So, you're caught up on the friggin' soap opera that is our life..... On to better times! I'm trying to write a little more upbeat, maybe even start to write (not so?) short stories again, put the family tree in bookform maybe, sort thru my teradrive and finally write that presentation about the castle's history and archeology.... Who knows, maybe we'll even make it out to the coast and enjoy sitting on the beach for a sun-down or 2 and enjoy eachother.
Don't forget to hug that loved one! Love and hugs....
Pauli
