You ever heard the saying, "being brave is being scared but doing it anyway"? Well... I got brave this weekend :-)
After Mikes heart surgery, we were making plans. Tentative, knowing that what we wanted, and what he would be able to manage within the next year, might mightily differer and would differ from one day to the next, but we were making plans. Something we hadn't done in a a couple of years. We were pretty much living between appointments, so this was new to us......
We made a list of things we wanted to do, things we had postponed to do and things that had been on our "some day" list. We weeded out the easy things to focus on within the first 8 months, the time that stood for his rehab, with one "big thing" as a reward when he was given the All Clear. A short vacation to either Denmark or Normandy. Normandy had been his big want for a long time, so even though Denmark made the list, I was fully committed to planning for Normandy :-) I wanted him to have something good, that he had wanted for a long time, after all the crap he had to go thru over the last 6 years.
The list of "easily achived" things contained a Buhurt tournament at the castle of Teylingen, where a friend of mine is the curator, preceded by a sunup on the beach and breakfast. That tournament was this weekend.
I had spoken to several people about the fact that things we used to do together, didn't seem right to enjoy by myself, because it was "our thing" and a big part of the fun was the sharing of something we both loved, but several people expressed the sentiment, that doing these things we had planned or talked about, could be seen as honoring our love and celebrating our life together. I mulled, as I am want to do, and decided to give it a try. I figured if it got to be really tough or I didn't enjoy it, I could leave.
So, I told my friends that I would come, and they very graciously offered me their guest room, so I wouldn't have to drive the two and a half hours twice on one day. I was floored. We knew each other from a tour at the castle. They were there for the tour, and stayed for about a 6 hour visit of talking, we got together once more and texted a bit back and forth and we just clicked, but I was floored by their generosity! They really didn't "know" me, but they still opened their home to me. It means a lot!
After figuring out what time sunup should be, how long the drive would be and packing a bag, I drove away Monday morning at 3.45 to greet the beginning of a new day on the beach accompanied by about 3 tons of butterflies and second thoughts.
I made it to the beach, but the sun never did :-) I was there just as the night sky turned lighter. I wanted to do what we used to do when we lived in Reno, and would go to the Northern California coast for a weekend.... sit on the beach, and let the sound of the waves and the feel of Mikes arms around me cocoon me. I got neither, it was raining, and there was nowhere to just "be" and other than as a memory, Mikes arms weren't there, but somehow, it was still ok. Not a big "HUH!" moment but another trembling baby step on this journey I wasn't ready for.
I had a cup of coffee at a hotel restaurant while trying to dry out a little, and made my way to the tournament..... It was different from the events at the castle I used to "tourguide" at, but so interesting. The castle is "same 'cept different" from ours. Same because it's a ruin as well, different because of the sheer history. This is not a castle connected to one family, this was a castle connected to a nations history..... The Buhurt tournament made my head hurt, though. Man! The hits these guys took and doled out...... I'm used to exhibition reenactments. They go thru the motions, but pull their punches. Not these guys! They. Hit. HARD. I know it sounds a bit bloodthirsty but it was awesome!!! :-)
http://www.youtube.com/@BuhurtInternational
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| https://kasteelteylingen.nl/ |
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| The knights hall. The arches are part of the cellars, The chimney was the floor of the great hall and above it were living quarters. |
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| Chutes delivering fresh air to the cellars. |
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| Stairs going up to the pallisades |
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| The wall with the moat, surrounding the defendable (oldest) part and the adjoining buildings |
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| The tower from another angle, with the moat |
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| The great hall at night. knowing the propietor has its priviledges...... |
So that was my brave thing. I went somewhere we had planned to go together, and I came out ok-ish. I still have the butterflies, and writing this, I miss him in a constant ache, but at the same time, I'm crawling toward this new normal I wasn't, and probably never will be, ready for. I know that once the tired kicks in when I get home tomorrow that sets the feelings and thoughts free, it will be a different story.....
