I've been holed up at the house, with my grief and panic attacks, only going out when I absolutely HAD to. Trying to get stuff fudged up as little as possible, because, even though the powers that be tell you to do things after your partner passes, once you start doing what they say is the right things, more times than not, turns out to be not what's in your best intrest..... and it adds a whole new layer to your agony.
Yesterday, I took on a "task" after receiving a message thru Find A Grave for photo requests for Henri Chapelle Cemetery in Belgium.
I dressed
for a blizzard as the house was sitting on 57 degrees, and the top of
the car was sparkly, so I figured it was cold out. HAH! before I was
halfway into my 30 minute journey, I pulled over and stripped my coat
and thermals, still leaving me in a sweater, but it was as far as I
could go without getting ticketed, so I went with it, anyway. That's
also when I realized that my "lunch" was still on the kitchen counter,
including my waterbottle, so I made the decision to stop somewhere for a
cup of coffee and a snack.
Once at the cemetery, I first enjoyed the quiet dignity of the place, before realising that I was doing this alone. Yep, there's a lot of those moments these days. Times I want to tell Mike something, times I just want his eyes on me with that halfsmile to let me know we're on the same page and all was good, the quiet in the house from both of us doing our thing, but still being together is different from the utter and crushing quiet of the house these days. Going somewhere alone and coming home, not having him here to share what we've been up to, while we weren't together. Knowing that he will not come home in a while, knowing that at a time of our lives that he would be healthy enough again to go places, take that boattrip on the river, go for that walk on the beach, stay in a hotel on a lake and enjoy the cameradery..... but I digress.
Cemetery walk...... Right!
The
request was for pictures of all the markers for unknown soldiers.
Around 90, so quite a bunch, but I had a plan. I had bunched them
together by section, and planned on taking the pictures, talk to the
office with questions and leave. Figured it would take 4 hours or
so...... yeah.... nope! For starters, I'm in a lot worse shape than a
year ago, so the getting up and down to take the pictures was quickly
getting painful, but also, it had gotten hot quick, and my plan wasn't
as well thought out as I though it was :-) But, I got part of it done,
and planning on going back on Sunday. It's going to be a roundabouttrip.
Gas up first as Belgium gas is about 20 cent cheaper than in Holland,
and I have to cross the border anyway ;-0. and than I will take
pictures, possibly swinging by the Chinese place and than be home until
Tuesday, when I have a conversation scheduled with the attending
physician the day Mike died. Not sure what to think or expect, but
hoping for a little bit peace.
I didn't get as much done as I thought I would in way of picture taking, only about half, but it gave me a better idea on how to do things more streamlined, which is good. When I got too hot to be outside, and before the office closed, I tried my luck to get some questions answered, and was SO happy when I walked out at closing time. I had answers, options and insights!
Last night I spent about 5 hours editing and posting pictures to the site and laid down to get some sleep around 2 AM... about par for the course these days. If you want to know what I learned, I put that part on the Gathering Across the Miles site.
Hug that loved one as if it's the last time!!!
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