I had a little bit of an eye-opener.

While on base, I spoke to a lady and she told me to see if I could find a book called "The hot young widows club" by Nora McInerny, as well as "it's ok that you're not ok" and check out the workbookpart.  She said to keep an open mind, to just read the book, knowing I won't retain any of it probably, but there was nothing "woo woo" about them, and they might just help me realise that grieving is a process without any kind of manual or rules,  that nobody travels this road in the same way or for the same length of time, because they're in different situations, and the people they lost are differernt, that there IS no comparison on how the process will go, so why even entertain the thought? 

 

She said there is a reason why everybody can recite the 5 stages of grief, and than goes silent....... It's a personal journey that nobody experiences the same way. In a weird way, that made total sense to me :-)

She also suggested, to have the people around me read  the widows club, so they have a basic understanding what not to do, and how to just leave me be, but be there. Even if it's just talking while I'm doing things around the house, or leaving me alone, if I indicate that I'm not feeling "peoply" and not take it personally,  to never be far away or judge my actions. What's irratic to them, makes perfect sense to me at that moment, even if it doesn't turn out as expected. Not to say that they should let me buy a yacht and sail the world, but you get the point.....

 

 

I started on the book last night, and it was an eye-opener. I kept thinking... Yeah! Exactly! Knowing that I'm not special in my experience, only special in the love we had and how it will affect my travel into the new normal was the main thing I took away from it.

It feels weird to "have it in writing" while at the same time, it settles something that was just piling on top of everything else going on. The feeling that you're  unfair, when you want to tell people that you don't need to be fixed because there is nothing wrong with you, other than that the world as you knew it exploded into tiny shards, with most of them gone missing, so it will not be put back together... That you want to scream to not give you platitudes, not to cover up their discomfort with your pain, by offering "advice" like: It's been 3 months, what are you still bothered by"or "When are you going to clean out his closet, it's just bringing back memories when you look at it" or my favorite..... "I know what you're going thru... I had a divorce".   The reason for your guilt  is that deep down, you know it comes from a place of caring. It comes from not wanting to see you hurting, of trying to help with something no one realy knows what to do with, but it still sucks! You want to rage against the universe, to scream at the unfairness of it all, to be thankful that he is no longer in pain and at the same time you want to curl up in a corner and be left alone, because the hug you are longing for most is no longer available to you.... and you're trying to survive any way you can because anything else is not an option.

And everybody else goes on with their lives.... the funeral is over, the grieving is slipped into the background, more of a memory that pops up every once in a while than constant pain, the crisis is averted, calenders get filled up again, so the calls get less, because a lot of times you don't answer the phone anyway even though your heart soars everytime you see those names go by, checking in with you. That name sliding across the screen in quiet solidarity alone is enough to ease the pain ever so slightly for a while because even as you feel that way, it proves you're not alone. The visits gets sparser, because who wants to listen to stories of someone who's no longer here, and meanwhile, for me...... He IS still a part of me and forever will be.  There won't be any "moving on" on a timeline for me.... 

Mike helped shape my life and made me grow as a person, by just being himself, he taught me to love without conditions and we learned together how rich it made us to have that, he taught me there was always ONE person I could trust my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams to without judgement. Our love taught us how loyalty makes you strong in a crisis and week when the other is in peril, but also that loving with all your heart is worth the heartbreak at the end. He taught me that with the right person, there's a lot you can take and still be standing at the end of it. Whithout his love and his beautiful soul, I wouldn't be who I am today, and he will always be part of me, so even if I could, why would I want to "move on" or "get over it"?   

What I learned from the book, is this.... I'm never going to be "normal" again, I'm never "moving on/get over it", I'm never going to be the me I was before December 16, 2024, but I WILL be a new version of me, someone you may recognize, or maybe not, someone you want to be around, or maybe not, and that's ok too, but before I get there..... I need your grace, I need your quiet acceptance, your "just being there", your gentle understanding of what is going on, without feeling the need to "fix me", I will need your non-judging acceptance if I do something that doesn't seem like the me you knew..... and I thank you in advance for doing this for me.

I did not sign up for this journey of mine, I'm not ready for it, I never wanted to consider this journey and still don't want any part of it, and I have no choice but to see where it leads but I know that this will be my journey for a while yet, one that I need to travel any which way that makes sense to me at that moment, to get me to this new normal. 

Don't forget to hug a loved one, and in the meantime, consider yourself hugged!