Asking for help and regretting it almost instantly....

I went to Social Services, to see if I could get somebody to have a look with me, and to see if my planning, such as it is, made any sense. You see, my brain is not functioning at full capacity. What makes perfect sense right now, is an awe inspiring mystery an hour from now. How dit I figure this? What was I thinking, or was I thinking at all? Where was I going with this?    These are regular thoughts these days, and I sometimes wonder if, besides my heart, my brain broke too when Mike died.  It feels like a milder form of Chemo-brain, and it scares the hell out of me!

When looking up what the company they referred me to, did, I was in total shock. OH HELL NO! Their website stated that they helped drug addicts, people with diminished mental capacity, and social misfits (parafrasing the list they gave) to function better in society and be more self sufficient. That's not me, I just need a second set of eyes and maybe a cattle prod to get me in the right direction again. I was PISSED!

So when the guy called to set an appointment, I considered telling him to take a long walk off a short pier and to lose my number, but years of customer service training told me not to, and to hear him out. So the appointment was made, and he came to the house.

He asked how I was doing, and if I was OK with the referral.... That opened the floodgates. I told him I was sorry to ever have asked for help, and mad at where Social Services had referred me to them, that I was not a drug addict or a social misfit, and although my mind had been clearer, I was not mental, just overwhelmed.  To his credit, he took it well. He let me talk, and didn't make any moves to indicate he wanted to interrupt. When I sat back, because that explanation had zapped what little energy I had at the end of the day, he told me, "yes, that is what we do, mainly" and before I got riled again, he ended with "but we also help people in your situation to get a handle on what's needed for them to be able to move forward" ending with: "Is that something you can deal with?"    I've never been deflated that fast by anyone, except for when Mike would gently put the brakes on my temper, but it put me in the right mindset to listen, which, I have to assume, was the point......

He said that the information he received in the referral, didn't tell him anything, except that they wanted them to "get on it by the end of the week" so to tell him what I needed help with. I told him flat out.... I don't know..... I know I need something, but I don't know what. I can see I need help with the house and the yard, but no clue in what form would be feasable. The house is a combination of mental dexterity (fresh out of that one, sorry) and the  brute force needed to shift some of the physical junk around or away (never was much on that) and the yard needs dynamite, which is illegal to have, so I'm at a loss. 

 I was hoping for them to have a list to check off, and at the bottom of it, we'd come up with a plan of attack to get there....... He grinned and told me there was nothing wrong with my reasoning or knowing that I needed help, and where, so he wasn't worried about my mental state, but he was concerned about the amount of crap I was now, and had for the last 5 years, been dealing with, so he was going to talk to some people, and appointed me 2 helpers. One would see what could be done about the physical stuff and planning how to get there, just a second pair of eyes and for nudges if I faltered in the plan, or to adjust it. The other would be more to work on my feeling overwhelmed, but also to help place what was happening in a more healing state instead of the "freaking out at the drop of hat stage" I'm at now, which, by the way, he said, was totally normal, but since I felt I needed help with that, they would be there. And if it turned out my heart wasn't ready for the help yet, they would leave it be.

So....... yesterday came the physical helper. She was YOUNG! :-)  a little uncomfortable, but she listened. She got me to talk about my favorite topic... Mike :-) and what had been going on for the past while, and what I was looking forward to when the help ended....and along the way we got to know eachother enough to be comfortable. We were supposed to fill out forms, but her tablet was dead, and she didn't have a papercopy, so we just talked. (I just LOVE this digital age, where paper is a bad thing, but if the electronics don't work, you're just dead in the water...... but that's for another post :-0 ) so we'll have to see what happens. 

The mental helper is on a different assignment, and we'll meet up in a month or so..... and my homework was to take a look at my todo's and prioritize on what needs doing next..... So here I am... surrounded by paperwork that needs something, my mind just can't wrap around what, lists of things to prepare for, to do's that have some urgency because they impact the financials, to do's that will need doing within a couple of weeks, and overall wishes for things to settle down to a dull roar, so I can hear myself think, and maybe deal with the feelings I haven't had time to even scratch at, let alone deal with,  I'm on my 3rd pot of coffee of the day, I can't see where I'm going with any of these chores that were added to my addled brain and it's not even noon....

soooo..... Welcome to my f'd up state of being!  I thought a lot the last couple of years, that it would be nice to just "be" for a while, just Mike and me, enjoying eachothers company without stress for just a bit, nothing greedy, just a half-day here and there, were there were no fires to put out.... I was hoping for a little peace for both Mike and me after his heart surgery while he was healing and for the plans we were making to materialize when he got the all clear and finally, our time to be together, happy, semi-healthy and hopeful. What I got was a hole in my heart, a brain that can't cope and a pile of things that need taken care of and fixed that would dwarf a mountain...... I know on a brain level that in the great scheme of things, there's people out there that have it a whole lot worse,  but on a heart level..... I'm just lost and I miss my heart and soul......