It's been 18 Months today

 

18 months with most of my soul missing.... 

18 months of lonely, 18 months of "why bother waking up" without having a choice not to, 18 months of wondering whether the outcome would have been different had we been home instead of here, 18 months of feeling guilty, thinking I could have done more, been less impatient, been more aware,  because I was missing his thoughts on things, since we were both stressed out and shutting down (I didn't ask and he talked even less than usual), 18 months of wishing I would have snuggled more and withdrawn less.... 

18 months of trying to keep my head above water, knowing I wasn't but too stuborn to give in and still slowly drowning in decisions not taken, or when taken, making the wrong ones, because my head wasn't in the game, or even present half the time, knowing paperwork needed done, figured out or sent and being too overwhelmed to get it done, surviving, but deep down, not wanting to without him and still keeping the smile on your face, because people are starting to bail, move on, disengage, whatever you want to call it, because "you're so dreary to be around" "we feel uncomfortable when you talk about Mike and cry" or "shouldn't you be feeling better by now?" and you still don't want to lose that contact. You don't know why you don't, but you don't..... There are some wonderful people in my life, and I cherish them greatly, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it's just not outweighing the hole in my heart. 

We always joked we would go together but like all the plans we had in December 2024... it didn't pan out that way. Out of all the plans we had that aren't happening, sometimes I really wish this one would have worked.

Yeah, it's been everything I never signed up for.... 

Love of my heart, I miss you.