May - Mike changed jobs from AAFES to The Commissary, doing the same job, with better pay and instead of 1st shift he now works 2nd shift.
June was a busy month for our family of 3 and we were all included in the "good news".
- Mike was in the hospital for 3 days, was released without ever seeing a doctor and got worse and worse.
- Perky was diagnosed with kidney failure, and we were told that the progression of the disease could have us saying goodbye to our fuzzy roommate anywhere between 6 and 18 months.
- In an effort to appease the powers that be to do community service for at least 20 hours per week.... I became Coordinator for the petting zoo at the castle and was tasked with setting up the care and wellbeing of the animals, as well as figuring out just how to set it all up so we could become a certified petting zoo, however, when I took the job, I wasn't aware that I had to yield to whatever the wife of the director decided.... When I didn't fall into step I was reminded that it wasn't MY petting zoo, I had no say and I just had to follow orders..... making me wonder why she did't take the job in the first place.
July - Mike was admitted as an emergency admittance into the hospital (A different and better one) for 3 weeks, after which he was on bedrest for the rest of the year, with woundcare coming to the house twice a week.
August - I completely lost my shit! By this time instead of a couple times a week, I had a panic attack at least once a day, sometimes 3, couldn't stop crying and just wanted to get away, with nowhere to go. Mike's vacation and sick-pay had run out, so we were completely dependent on the municipality for our bills. Luckily the boss kept paying for his medical insurance, so we at least didn't have to worry about that. (Famous last words!)
De rest of the year followed a pattern.... Keep up a good front and try to hide the panic attacks so Mike wouldn't worry about me as well as everything else and try and take care of him as best I can.
November - After sobbing and freaking out in the office during round "who knows how many" of trying to explain the fact that while off work, Mike wasn't getting paid, and his insurance wasn't paying the bills because the hospital didn't bill according to how the way the insurance wanted to be billed and the insurance wouldn't accept that according to the Dutch practices, the hospital was billing correctly, I was already down to 1 meal every other day while hiding it from Mike so he wouldn't worry, and how the hell was I supposed to make ends meet on a one person allowance, because for the paying out part, Mike doesn't exist... The coach first tried to help by telling me that instead of paying for Perky's medicine and special food, we could save 60€ if we were to just put him to sleep, since he was dying anyway and after that netted them me having an actual panic attack in their office, decided to "go easy on me" by sending me to a company doctor to determine my "mental vulnerability" so I could get a job quicker.....
Forward to 2020....
First week of January Mike was released from basic "couch rest", and could start walking around the house and as soon as he did that, he also wanted to/was pressured into go back to work, .... Which he did. He went back to work on February 12th, 4 days a week for 6 hours. No easing into it in either hours or duties. On his feet from the get go. Than Covid19 came around, and ............ Mikes kept going to work and his hours got bumped up to 40 because the Dutch hires had to adhere to the shelter at home rules but Dutch rules do not apply to American workers, I still am not allowed to pursue my business, still need to fulfill my community service (not a hardship, but still.... I don't see healthy people half my age in the same boat?) get absolutely no help in finding a paying job and I still have multiple panic attacks. So I'm not sure if it's good, bad, progress or what, exactly.
My sister is supportive in letting me know she's there when I need her (or her guestroom), and to let her know every once in a while that I'm still breathing, my dad....... not so much (after all, nobody has anything going on in their life, and he's entitled to my attention).
It seems hard for people to understand that I've been doing shit by myself for so long without any form of support system, that the last thing I want is have people around when I'm freaking out and I do a total communication shutdown... I turn off the ringer on my phone, and check email as little as I can get away with, and even when I get the emails, I don't always hurry and answer. This seems to piss my dad off and instead of getting the hint as well as several not so gentle explanations to leave me be for a bit so I can do what absolutely has to be done, between freak-outs, and to give me time to get my bearings... he insists on letting me know how my actions inconvenience him. I get 6 calls in a row, no voicemails, just call after call, while you have to figure out that if I don't answer the call now, there's a good chance that when you hang up and call right back, I won't answer either......especially when I'm no where near it. When I send him an email with an update, because talking isn't an option without going to pieces, he never answers.... So WTeverlovingF is up with that!?
I know life is a challenge for most people these days and I don't mean to complain. Life does what it does without a whole lot of input from us,with the only option being to deal with it as best we can, but I figured after this long, I should possibly give some kind of explanation, just in case your attempts for contact went unanswered. It's nothing personal, just me trying to get my head around things :-)
On a MUCH happier note..... The castle started building on the gatehouse and the blacksmith-shop now has solid walls and rafters!!
