It's in the eyes.....

Granted, this is not an earthshattering discovery.....

 When looking at individual pictures of soldiers, you don't notice as much, but after looking at picture after picture for the last 3 days...... yeah, it's definitely a thing.   I've been going thru the DPAA site, connecting information, and I came to a conclusion.... You can tell Marines almost immediately by their pictures, no need to check on their designation. They all seem to have this stare that says that they've seen too much.

In stark contrast are the "flyboys"... Most Airmen seem to have that open almost cocky look that says, "life is an adventure, let's see what we can can wring out of it".

Whether this is because the Marines get sent in and are destined to be "up close and personal" with no or little long distance fighting and the Air crews are literally far removed from the close combat, or that a certain type of personality picks a certain trajectory in life I don't  know, but it just struck me that after a while, I didn't have to see whether they were Marines or Airmen. I knew by their eyes ......

I realise this is in no way a reflection of the intensity of war and what it does to a persons soul. There is a difference, yes, but you can't go into any kind of battle and come out the same person that went in..... Nobody should have to go thru what the soldiers go thru in battle, and knowing humans are not a peacefull species  and there will always be conflict, my hope is that the people that are kept safe thru the sacrifice of these soldiers, REALLY appreciate what kind of gift is given to them by these men and women....  Everybody that served knows from experience that freedom is paid for by those that too many times give their life, and too often give their own peace of mind in exchange for ours.... and, just saying, the families also serve, more often than not, long after the soldier comes home.

 

 

Asking for help and regretting it almost instantly....

I went to Social Services, to see if I could get somebody to have a look with me, and to see if my planning, such as it is, made any sense. You see, my brain is not functioning at full capacity. What makes perfect sense right now, is an awe inspiring mystery an hour from now. How dit I figure this? What was I thinking, or was I thinking at all? Where was I going with this?    These are regular thoughts these days, and I sometimes wonder if, besides my heart, my brain broke too when Mike died.  It feels like a milder form of Chemo-brain, and it scares the hell out of me!

When looking up what the company they referred me to, did, I was in total shock. OH HELL NO! Their website stated that they helped drug addicts, people with diminished mental capacity, and social misfits (parafrasing the list they gave) to function better in society and be more self sufficient. That's not me, I just need a second set of eyes and maybe a cattle prod to get me in the right direction again. I was PISSED!

So when the guy called to set an appointment, I considered telling him to take a long walk off a short pier and to lose my number, but years of customer service training told me not to, and to hear him out. So the appointment was made, and he came to the house.

He asked how I was doing, and if I was OK with the referral.... That opened the floodgates. I told him I was sorry to ever have asked for help, and mad at where Social Services had referred me to them, that I was not a drug addict or a social misfit, and although my mind had been clearer, I was not mental, just overwhelmed.  To his credit, he took it well. He let me talk, and didn't make any moves to indicate he wanted to interrupt. When I sat back, because that explanation had zapped what little energy I had at the end of the day, he told me, "yes, that is what we do, mainly" and before I got riled again, he ended with "but we also help people in your situation to get a handle on what's needed for them to be able to move forward" ending with: "Is that something you can deal with?"    I've never been deflated that fast by anyone, except for when Mike would gently put the brakes on my temper, but it put me in the right mindset to listen, which, I have to assume, was the point......

He said that the information he received in the referral, didn't tell him anything, except that they wanted them to "get on it by the end of the week" so to tell him what I needed help with. I told him flat out.... I don't know..... I know I need something, but I don't know what. I can see I need help with the house and the yard, but no clue in what form would be feasable. The house is a combination of mental dexterity (fresh out of that one, sorry) and the  brute force needed to shift some of the physical junk around or away (never was much on that) and the yard needs dynamite, which is illegal to have, so I'm at a loss. 

 I was hoping for them to have a list to check off, and at the bottom of it, we'd come up with a plan of attack to get there....... He grinned and told me there was nothing wrong with my reasoning or knowing that I needed help, and where, so he wasn't worried about my mental state, but he was concerned about the amount of crap I was now, and had for the last 5 years, been dealing with, so he was going to talk to some people, and appointed me 2 helpers. One would see what could be done about the physical stuff and planning how to get there, just a second pair of eyes and for nudges if I faltered in the plan, or to adjust it. The other would be more to work on my feeling overwhelmed, but also to help place what was happening in a more healing state instead of the "freaking out at the drop of hat stage" I'm at now, which, by the way, he said, was totally normal, but since I felt I needed help with that, they would be there. And if it turned out my heart wasn't ready for the help yet, they would leave it be.

So....... yesterday came the physical helper. She was YOUNG! :-)  a little uncomfortable, but she listened. She got me to talk about my favorite topic... Mike :-) and what had been going on for the past while, and what I was looking forward to when the help ended....and along the way we got to know eachother enough to be comfortable. We were supposed to fill out forms, but her tablet was dead, and she didn't have a papercopy, so we just talked. (I just LOVE this digital age, where paper is a bad thing, but if the electronics don't work, you're just dead in the water...... but that's for another post :-0 ) so we'll have to see what happens. 

The mental helper is on a different assignment, and we'll meet up in a month or so..... and my homework was to take a look at my todo's and prioritize on what needs doing next..... So here I am... surrounded by paperwork that needs something, my mind just can't wrap around what, lists of things to prepare for, to do's that have some urgency because they impact the financials, to do's that will need doing within a couple of weeks, and overall wishes for things to settle down to a dull roar, so I can hear myself think, and maybe deal with the feelings I haven't had time to even scratch at, let alone deal with,  I'm on my 3rd pot of coffee of the day, I can't see where I'm going with any of these chores that were added to my addled brain and it's not even noon....

soooo..... Welcome to my f'd up state of being!  I thought a lot the last couple of years, that it would be nice to just "be" for a while, just Mike and me, enjoying eachothers company without stress for just a bit, nothing greedy, just a half-day here and there, were there were no fires to put out.... I was hoping for a little peace for both Mike and me after his heart surgery while he was healing and for the plans we were making to materialize when he got the all clear and finally, our time to be together, happy, semi-healthy and hopeful. What I got was a hole in my heart, a brain that can't cope and a pile of things that need taken care of and fixed that would dwarf a mountain...... I know on a brain level that in the great scheme of things, there's people out there that have it a whole lot worse,  but on a heart level..... I'm just lost and I miss my heart and soul......

I am SO popular,

it's giving me a headache.....

Cleaned out my spambucket Thursday, which, following the calendar, was yesterday around 11PM.... So I check mail, just now, and there are 206 SPAM messages.... waiting for me to sort thru and decide what, if any, went in the wrong part of the email........ because, we all know, those spamfolders are magnets for things you don't want to miss, right?  😲

I am happy to announce that.... I won 2 Mini Jeeps from Tractor supply, had 8 packages that couldn't be delivered and I would now have to pay for to get rerouted for a second delivery, (with hourly reminders each),  my medical insurance isn't paying for my prostate problem, but thank heavens, I AM able to get a loan for that, I qualify for enough steaks to send a T-Rex in a coma and I have a prince in Nigeria that would love to give me money. He's pretty determined to make me rich, though, as he sent me 18 messages, but the idiot keeps changing his name, so I don't know who to take up on the offer ROFL!!!!  Those are the fun ones and  than there was WAY more than a fair share of people just blatantly trying to sell you crap you don't need, never needed and never will need.  I almost admire those poor souls for the "hnest" attempt to make a buck..... Oh, and there was ONE email, I actually transferred to my inbox, because it was from a writer I'm following :-)

Yeah, the spamtrashpuppy is well fed this morning....

I know I'm being bitchie (or judgy, depending on who you ask) but it's been a hell of a week, and it ain't over yet, just needed to spout for a moment and I'm trying to stay away from FB, so I landed here...  
I'm not "all good", but it's all good, right?

Don't forget to love a hugged one!?! :-)

Love and hugs,

I had a little bit of an eye-opener.

While on base, I spoke to a lady and she told me to see if I could find a book called "The hot young widows club" by Nora McInerny, as well as "it's ok that you're not ok" and check out the workbookpart.  She said to keep an open mind, to just read the book, knowing I won't retain any of it probably, but there was nothing "woo woo" about them, and they might just help me realise that grieving is a process without any kind of manual or rules,  that nobody travels this road in the same way or for the same length of time, because they're in different situations, and the people they lost are differernt, that there IS no comparison on how the process will go, so why even entertain the thought? 

 

She said there is a reason why everybody can recite the 5 stages of grief, and than goes silent....... It's a personal journey that nobody experiences the same way. In a weird way, that made total sense to me :-)

She also suggested, to have the people around me read  the widows club, so they have a basic understanding what not to do, and how to just leave me be, but be there. Even if it's just talking while I'm doing things around the house, or leaving me alone, if I indicate that I'm not feeling "peoply" and not take it personally,  to never be far away or judge my actions. What's irratic to them, makes perfect sense to me at that moment, even if it doesn't turn out as expected. Not to say that they should let me buy a yacht and sail the world, but you get the point.....

 

 

I started on the book last night, and it was an eye-opener. I kept thinking... Yeah! Exactly! Knowing that I'm not special in my experience, only special in the love we had and how it will affect my travel into the new normal was the main thing I took away from it.

It feels weird to "have it in writing" while at the same time, it settles something that was just piling on top of everything else going on. The feeling that you're  unfair, when you want to tell people that you don't need to be fixed because there is nothing wrong with you, other than that the world as you knew it exploded into tiny shards, with most of them gone missing, so it will not be put back together... That you want to scream to not give you platitudes, not to cover up their discomfort with your pain, by offering "advice" like: It's been 3 months, what are you still bothered by"or "When are you going to clean out his closet, it's just bringing back memories when you look at it" or my favorite..... "I know what you're going thru... I had a divorce".   The reason for your guilt  is that,  deep down, you know it comes from a place of caring. It comes from not wanting to see you hurting, of trying to help with something no one realy knows what to do with, but it still sucks! You want to rage against the universe, to scream at the unfairness of it all, to be thankful that he is no longer in pain and hopefully at peace and at the same time you want to curl up in a corner and be left alone, because the hug you are longing for most is no longer available to you.... and you're trying to survive any way you can because anything else is not an option.

And slowly everybody else goes on with their lives.... the funeral is over, the grieving is slipped into the background, more of a memory that pops up every once in a while than constant pain, the crisis is averted, calenders get filled up again, so the calls get less, because a lot of times you don't answer the phone anyway even though your heart soars everytime you see those names go by, checking in with you. That name sliding across the screen in quiet solidarity alone is enough to ease the pain ever so slightly for a while because even as you feel that way, it proves you're not alone. The visits gets sparser, because who wants to listen to stories of someone who's no longer here, and meanwhile, for me...... He IS still a part of me and forever will be.  There won't be any "moving on" on a timeline for me follow.... 

Mike helped shape my life and made me grow as a person, by just being himself, he taught me to love without conditions and we learned together how rich it made us to have that, that there was always ONE person you could trust your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams to without judgement. Our love taught us how loyalty to that love makes you strong in a crisis and week when the other is in peril, but also that loving with all your heart is worth the heartbreak at the end,  that with the right person, there's a lot you can take and still be standing at the end of it. Whithout his love and his beautiful soul, I wouldn't be who I am today, and he will always be part of me, so even if I could, why would I want to "move on" or "get over it"?   

What I learned from the book, is this.... I'm never going to be "normal" again, I'm never going to "move on" or "get over it", I'm never going to be the me I was before December 16, 2024, but I WILL be a new version of me, someone you may recognize, or maybe not, someone you want to be around, or maybe not, and that's ok too, but before I get there..... I need your grace, I need your quiet acceptance, your "just being there", your gentle understanding of what is going on, without feeling the need to "fix me", I will need your non-judging acceptance if I do something that doesn't seem like the me you knew..... and I thank you in advance for doing this for me.

I did not sign up for this journey of mine, I'm not ready for it, I never wanted to consider taking this journey and still don't want any part of it, and I have no choice but to see where it leads. I also know that this will be my journey for a while yet, one that I need to travel any which way that makes sense to me at that moment to get me to this new normal.  If you take one thing out of this please let it be that next time you encounter someone who lost someone they love,  a hug combined with normal conversation and remembering that loved one will mean the world to them....

Don't forget to hug a loved one, and in the meantime, consider yourself hugged!

It's been quiet.....

too quiet, but it's part of the "new".  Mike was never loud, but.... yeah!

I've been steadily working on getting the crap under control, go thru the boxes leftover from dad's passing and hoping to get used to the way things will be. The crapdigging is slowly progressing. The living room is almost all the way visible again. Upstairs and the yard.... not so much. See the problem with emptying one space, seems to turn into filling up another. Even with donating a shit-ton of stuff, there's stuff like the photo-albums and boxes with slides, that I need to put somewhere, until I can go thru them. 

Getting rid of stuff is not the only thing that happened though.... I swapped some stuff with the neighborlady. Big-ass coffeetable for a small one and I was worried I would have to put things on the floor that usually made it to the table, but found out, I pick up what I don't use, and always have a place to put my coffeecup or my dinnerplate.... go figure!! :-) We also swapped 3 cabinets combining all the electronics for one, and one open rack for a nice cabinet. Now if I can clear the rest of the stuff around it, it will be a nice livingroom again.

After the downstairs, the dreaded part starts. Upstairs.... Two rooms is mostly rearranging and thinning out, but the room really has me pulling the other way, is our bedroom. Right now, it houses all the laundry, the christmasdecorations that we had taken from the attic, and I haven't put up or away, and some loose stuff, that was in the way downstairs, so I have a "legitimate" reason for sleeping on the couch....

No worries that all has been doom and gloom, because I've done some other stuff over the last couple of weeks too...  Reconnected with a fellow tourguide over coffee,  visited Utrecht with my big brother, his girlfriend and my nephew, signed up for a lecture on Heerlen, started on some research into a fallen Soldier my friend adopted the grave of and.... visited the zoo yesterday. And since it looks like the rain stopped, I'm going to Henri Chapelle this week and finish the pictures and questions after I mow the hayfield in the back aka the backyard. The rain and warm days were just enough to let it grow to epic height, without drying out enough to mow, all I have to do is to get some explosives to get rid of the bamboo, and I'm golden :-)

Now, about the zoo trip? Hadn't seen the baby wolverines yet, and the zoo was open late because Gaia Zoo celebrated its 20th birthday, of which I've been a cardholder for 13..... so.... had a good time yesterday :-) Oh, and I took some pictures ROFL!

Didn't go the whole day, couldn't get there quite yet, but I did go for the "friends only" part. Turns out, that part of the celebration was that the owner sold the zoo to the big zoo in Arnhem, that's been a family endeaver since it started in 1913, so it's in good hands, but it just feels weird. Kinda like your landlord sending you a letter to thank you for your continued trust and hiking the rent in the same breath :-) 

While everybody was on the square near the restaurant, I went to see my buddies, and WOW! That peace and quiet was SO GOOD a whole different feel from home....  The little ones kept the parents more active than I've ever seen them so that was interesting to watch.  They'd been fed and I couldn't figure out why the male and female took turns dragging a rabbit carcas around for more than an hour, and it finally dawned on me, after he kept walking between the kits and they eventually caught on and followed him, trying to take it away from him.... He was teaching them to follow the scent....  I shot a video of the (not so) little ones playing, and I hope it will stick, otherwise I'll have to figure a way to upload it to YouTube.... (Never saw that development coming!) I'll start with the pictures and put the video at the end, so if it goes FUBAR, I won't have to redo the picture upload. LOL! The only warning I have to give, is that it is obnoxiously loud, because of the wind, so take your headset off before you play it... I didn't and I jumped about a foot in the air :-)

 

 

One of the 3 little ones

Mama

Pops

 

 

Parental intervention..... if they don't listen, sit on them.

pile of 3

one of my favorites

no clue what this was all about, but it made me laugh

The video was a big NOPE!!  going to try YouTube and if it works leave the link below..

 

 Meanwhile, don't forget to hug a loved one a time or two?

Love and hugs,

Pauli

 

 

 

 

 

long day......

You ever heard the saying, "being brave is being scared but doing it anyway"? Well... I got brave this weekend :-)

After Mikes heart surgery, we were making plans. Tentative, knowing that what we wanted, and what he would be able to manage within the next year, might mightily differer and would differ from one day to the next, but we were making plans. Something we hadn't done in a a couple of years. We were pretty much living between appointments, so this was new to us......
 

We made a list of things we wanted to do, things we had postponed to do and things that had been on our "some day" list. We weeded out the easy things to focus on within the first 8 months, the time that stood for his rehab, with one "big thing" as a reward when he was given the All Clear. A short vacation to either Denmark or Normandy. Normandy had been his big want for a long time, so even though Denmark made the list, I was fully committed to planning for Normandy :-) I wanted him to have something good, that he had wanted for a long time, after all the crap he had to go thru over the last 6 years.

The list of "easily achived" things contained a Buhurt tournament at the castle of Teylingen, where a friend of mine is the curator, preceded by a sunup on the beach and breakfast. That tournament was this weekend.

I had spoken to several people about the fact that things we used to do together, didn't seem right to enjoy by myself, because it was "our thing" and a big part of the fun was the sharing of something we both loved, but several people expressed the sentiment, that doing  these things we had planned or talked about, could be seen as honoring our love and celebrating our life together. I mulled, as I am want to do, and decided to give it a try. I figured if it got to be really tough or I didn't enjoy it, I could leave.

So, I told my friends that I would come, and they very graciously offered me their guest room, so I wouldn't have to drive the two and a half hours twice on one day. I was floored. We knew each other from a tour at the castle. They were there for the tour, and stayed for about a 6 hour visit of talking, we got together once more and texted a bit back and forth and we just clicked, but I was floored by their generosity! They really didn't "know" me, but they still opened their home to me. It means a lot!

After figuring out what time sunup should be, how long the drive would be and packing a bag, I drove away Monday morning at 3.45 to greet the beginning of a new day on the beach accompanied by about 3 tons of butterflies and second thoughts.

I made it to the beach, but the sun never did :-) I was there just as the night sky turned lighter. I wanted to do what we used to do when we lived in Reno, and would go to the Northern California coast for a weekend.... sit on the beach, and let the sound of the waves and the feel of Mikes arms around me cocoon me. I got neither, it was raining, and there was nowhere to just "be"  and other than as a memory, Mikes arms weren't there, but somehow, it was still ok.  Not a big "HUH!" moment but another trembling baby step on this journey I wasn't ready for.  

 

 

I had a cup of coffee at a hotel restaurant while trying to dry out a little, and made my way to the tournament..... It was different from the events at the castle I used to "tourguide" at, but so interesting.  The castle is "same 'cept different" from ours. Same because it's a ruin as well, different because of the sheer history. This is not a castle connected to one family, this was a castle connected to a nations history.....   The Buhurt tournament made my head hurt, though. Man! The hits these guys took and doled out...... I'm used to exhibition reenactments. They go thru the motions, but pull their punches. Not these guys! They. Hit. HARD.  I know it sounds a bit bloodthirsty but it was awesome!!! :-)

http://www.youtube.com/@BuhurtInternational

 

https://kasteelteylingen.nl/

The knights hall. The arches are part of the cellars, The chimney was the floor of the great hall and above it were living quarters.

Chutes delivering fresh air to the cellars.

Stairs going up to the pallisades

The wall with the moat, surrounding the defendable (oldest) part and the adjoining buildings

 

The tower from another angle, with the moat

The great hall at night. knowing the propietor has its priviledges......

 

So that was my brave thing. I went somewhere we had planned to go together, and I came out ok-ish. I still have the butterflies, and writing this,  I miss him in a constant ache, but at the same time, I'm crawling toward this new normal I wasn't, and probably never will be, ready for.   I know that once the tired kicks in when I get home tomorrow that sets the feelings and thoughts free, it will be a different story.....

 

This week was no fun.........

After my fun day at Mondo Verde, taking pictures and catching up with an old friend, my week went to hell in a very tight handbasket!  Thursday, I didn't feel "right" but mostly OK. Friday I went to my ceramics class and didn't feel too hot when I got home, and within 2 hours I was sicker than I have been in a VERY long time. In between passing out I got a visit from the yard crew. I had asked them to come, to get an initial handle on it, and hopefully be able to keep up with it after.... Well, can or not, I wil have to. He was here ONE HOUR, and charged me 200€!!! I was too miserable to argue, so I paid, but I really feel like this is highway robbery at it's finest. He used my mower, came in at 6.10 and left at 6.59 ..... I don't even know of a lawyer that makes this kind of money!  Lesson learned.....

I didn't keep any food down till about Wednesday and started with white rice, graduating to bread and potatoes on Friday. Had a full meal last night, but it didn't sit well, so it's back to bland fare today....  Great weightloss plan, but I'm a little hesitant to recommend it.  

This little stint DOES mean, that I haven't been able to go back to Henri Chapelle to finish up the pictures and get my questions answered, but I was able to do a little more finetuning of questions and avenues to figure :-)  Today, I'm just hanging out, have some snacks, light meal and watch movies. After sleeping from Friday afternoon, pretty close nonestop thru Wednesday evening, I'm a little wired :-)

Hope your having a great easter. It's a little gloomy here, but it started out as a wonderful spring day, that I thoroughly enjoyed, turning cloudy around 8.30 or so.  Had a cup of tea on the back patio around 7 this morning and after hanging out all day I'm about to see if I can get interested in cooking an early dinner.  

I miss my soulmate ....... I have a big bowl of tulips next to his picture, but it is not the same, even though we generally didn't do anything special for Easter other than cook a little more fancy, it's still different from "regular". It almost feels like I miss him more with every day I have a little more time to think. Paperwork is slowly falling into place, things get arranged, and I have time to sit without working on the next problem to solve..... almost like giving my mind and heart permission to feel the loss. I guess it's the nature of things from now on.

Well, don't forget to hug those loved ones!!!

Love and hugs,

Pauli

Today was a good day.....

    Today, I went with a friend to a park he goes to a lot, just to take pictures....... So.... Pictures, we took!

It was good, we started with coffee and catching up, walked a bit, talked a lot, had some more coffee, walked, talked, repeat, all the way to closing time at 6.  I finally, around 3 this morning, got my camera off Macro, which means, I can pictures far away, with zoom, without having one colorful blur, instead of what I was aiming at. Haven't found the user manual yet, so I'm a little leary to take it off the setting it's on, because.... I made some actually cool pictures today :-)  This one has to be my favorite, but I couldn't help playing with it, so see if I can make it better....... Turns out you can make some things different, but not better. Let me know which one you like best? Can you tell the original from the "doctored" one?

 And of course these are not the only ones I took... I LOVE this setting I have the camera on right now. Of the 128 pictures, only 10 came out blurry, so I'm extremely happy.  I'll put my absolute favorites here, in no particular order :-)

That's it for me, for today. Have some stuff to do to get ready for my next round of picture taking for a friend at Henri Chapelle, military war cemetery in Belgium.... I think, with redo's I have about 60 or so memorials to photograph, edit and than post..... 

One appointment on Thursday, followed by a quick grocery-shop and I'm in until Monday :-) 

Not sure where I found this, but.... yeah! :-)

Don't forget to hug your loved ones as if there is no tomorrow, because having one is not guaranteed!

Love and hugs!