That about sums it up....

 If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, if you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire, walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

                                                                    (Going thru Hell - Dave Berg)

I went out and learned things.........

 I've been holed up at the house, with my grief and panic attacks, only going out when I absolutely HAD to. Trying to get stuff fudged up as little as possible, because, even though the powers that be tell you to do things after your partner passes, once you start doing what they say is the right things, more times than not, turns out to be not what's in your best intrest..... and it adds a whole new layer to your agony.

Yesterday, I took on a "task" after receiving a message thru Find A Grave for photo requests for Henri Chapelle Cemetery in Belgium.

I dressed for a blizzard as the house was sitting on 57 degrees, and the top of the car was sparkly, so I figured it was cold out. HAH! before I was halfway into my 30 minute journey, I pulled over and stripped my coat and thermals, still leaving me in a sweater, but it was as far as I could go without getting ticketed, so I went with it, anyway. That's also when I realized that my "lunch" was still on the kitchen counter, including my waterbottle, so I made the decision to stop somewhere for a cup of coffee and a snack.

Once at the cemetery, I first enjoyed the quiet dignity of the place, before realising that I was doing this alone. Yep, there's a lot of those moments these days. Times I want to tell Mike something, times I just want his eyes on me with that halfsmile to let me know we're on the same page and all was good, the quiet in the house from both of us doing our thing, but still being together is different from the utter and crushing quiet of the house these days. Going somewhere alone and coming home, not having him here to share what we've been up to, while we weren't together. Knowing that he will not come home in a while, knowing that at a time of our lives that he would be healthy enough again to go places, take that boattrip on the river, go for that walk on the beach, stay in a hotel on a lake and enjoy the cameradery..... but I digress.

 Cemetery walk...... Right!

The request was for pictures of all the markers for unknown soldiers. Around 90, so quite a bunch, but I had a plan.  I had bunched them together by section, and planned on taking the pictures, talk to the office with questions and leave. Figured it would take 4 hours or so...... yeah.... nope! For starters, I'm in a lot worse shape than a year ago, so the getting up and down to take the pictures was quickly getting painful, but also, it had gotten hot quick, and my plan wasn't as well thought out as I though it was :-)  But, I got part of it done, and planning on going back on Sunday. It's going to be a roundabouttrip. Gas up first as Belgium gas is about 20 cent cheaper than in Holland, and I have to cross the border anyway ;-0. and than I will take pictures, possibly swinging by the Chinese place and than be home until Tuesday, when I have a conversation scheduled with the attending physician the day Mike died. Not sure what to think or expect, but hoping for a little bit peace.

I didn't get as much done as I thought I would in way of picture taking, only about half, but it gave me a better idea on how to do things more streamlined, which is good. When I got too hot to be outside, and before the office closed, I tried my luck to get some questions answered, and was SO happy when I walked out at closing time. I had answers, options and insights!

Last night I spent about 5 hours editing and posting pictures to the site and laid down to get some sleep around 2 AM... about par for the course these days.  If you want to know what I learned, I put that part on the Gathering Across the Miles site.

Hug that loved one as if it's the last time!!!

Another year almost gone......

 When I started writing this post on December 14, all was still right in my world. I was going to tell you about our unofficial plans and the things we were looking forward to experiencing and planning..........

It is now Januari 5th, and my world is shattered. Mike, my heart, my rock, my soulmate died on December 16 and I said my final goodbye on Christmas Eve.

It was very unexpectedly and even the hospital was at a loss of what happened and how fast it happened. 

He was ok and on the mend, and than he was gone....... I feel like I severely failed him, like I should have insisted on "more" should have taken care of him better, faught for him harder......... Secondguessing telling the doctor that we each had decided that if the time came, neither one of us wanted to become a vegetable, and to not let the other suffer..... "What if 's" are running rampant at this time...... I'll be off the air for a while, got things to still take care of, got things to digest, things to figure out and a lot of things to come to terms with.....

 

I'm drowning in lemonade.....

You know the saying.... "When life gives you lemons...... make lemonade", well, there's a limit to the amount of lemons you can crush, and I reached it about 3 months ago!

Right after my last post, I found out that my dad had terminal cancer, but the prognosis was that he had about a year. Knowing that my mom had 4 to 6 weeks and made it 4 months, that felt hesitantly like we had a little time. We started visiting once a week, hoping for some good conversations and were constantly reminden on how closed off dad was about EVERYTHING. We got information on what was going on in his life over the last week, doctors visits, and opinions, but if you asked anything about things I still wanted to know, he shut down, and told us to go home because he was tired. I get it, but I don't. But that's my problem, not his.

February 14th, we were going to visit, but Mike had a really bad cough, and we didn't want to pass that along to dad, so we called him the 13th after visiting Mikes doctor, who advised us not to go. He was upbeat, said it was OK, because his bed was being delivered on Wednesday, so he didn't have to go up and down the stairs anymore and he knew he would be tired after all the commotion. Thursday, we had to go to base to take care of some stuff and on the way home I got a text from my sister. "Get over here, your dad is dying!" Needless to say, we kept driving. Not going into details, but what we found, was far from what we were expecting. Friday at 1, we got another text. "Doctor is going to start the paleative sedation at 5, if you want to say goodby, get here!" Mind you, it's an almost 2 hour drive to get to his place from our place, so, we really had to hustle. When we got there, the whole house was full of people and I got a good 5 minutes to say my goodbyes. He passed away on Sunday afternoon.  You would think that would be the worst of it, but it gets "better".

I asked what the arrangements were: no response

I asked when and where the funeral was going to be: I would find out when I received the announcement in the mail

I asked what the next step was going to be, what the plans were, if anything needed done: no response

My sister was in charge of the proceedings, and "IN CHARGE" she was. Nothing got shared with me. My nieces, her daughters, were in charge of the picture presentation and music, she was in charge of what happened when and I was informed less than dad's friends over what was going on, or coming. In a way, I get it. They were "there" I was not, but at the same time, it hurt to be locked out. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't help.

After I got the card, I got another surprise. Dads girlfriend was front and center on the card, mom was a sidenote and us girls were listed as "children and grandchildren" like we were an afterthought. Don't get me wrong. I loved her for him, and she took care of him, no doubt about that, but at the same time, it felt like he was her family and not ours. Somehow that doesn't feel right.....? I know my sister didn't have much love for dad and in her own words, she was "only taking care of him and his "sh@t because she wanted to show the world that SHE was a good daughter", but for me, he was my dad and I DO love him. As cantancarous as he was.  It was her decision, and she was done with him.  I have no idea what she tried to accomplish, but I hope at least she has peace with it, because it will be a tick before I do.... 

At the funeral, we lined up behind the casket and she, her husband and 2 daughters were accompanying dad down the isle with my sister and Mike and me following. I looked up at one point, and she was f*king WAVING,  smiling and shaking hands like she was on a red carpet. Who DOES that?!

When the people left after the reception, one of my nieces pulled me aside and told me: "So, I heard you inherited something that I would like to talk about, because I believe it is mine, so give me a call sometime soon, OK? "  You could have knocked me over with a feather! 

Tuesday after the funeral, we trudged up to my dads house, were I found out several things, that pretty much made me second guess the last 12 years of us being here.  

I was told, that eventhough my sisters had been going thru the house since Sunday (the funeral was Saturday) nothing had left the house, unless it was junk. NOT TRUE!  Part of the furniture was gone, the bookcase had gaps in it that weren't there on Friday, and that was just first glance. The paperwork for the sale of the house was front and center, realtor was in place, we only needed to "clean this dump out" so it  could be sold and they could move on with their lives......  Loving daughters, indeed. It also turned out that she had given things to the neighbors and friends of dads (and hers) over the last 3 days, and even before the funeral. And over the next couple of visits it turned out that she had several people come thru the house to see if they wanted anything..... Like it was hers to give away.

I was told that I had a say in what I would like to keep from mom and dads belongings. NOT TRUE! I was kept busy in the livingroom and every once in a while my oldest sister would walk up and show me something, asking if I wanted it. If I said yes, she would go thru it and claim part of it. EVERYTIME! 

I was going thru the bookcase, already taking in account what she and my other sister might like and putting it aside, and still...... every 10 books I picked, one got picked out.

Even the food in the kitchen. At the very first day I was told that the food in kitchen, barring what was hers(?) was mine, because both her and my other sister had it a little better, and it would save us money on groceries. So, when we opened the prepacked box, it contained a buttload in variety of beans! When I saw the cabinet that first Tuesday, when it was offered, it had pasta's, coffee, tea and cans of corned beef and salmon. Hmmmmm, wonder what happened to those........ My guess? They were probably hers.

There was this little woodenshoe piggybank from the town I was born in, and I knew it had coins in it. Not many by the way it had rattled before, didn't know for sure what kind, but it was moms, and treasured by her for as long as I can remember. Since I was the only one born in Soesterberg, I wanted it. Before the funeral it was in one piece, lid on it and all, on the desk in the corner behind dad's casket. When I found it on Tuesday, the lid had been torn from it, nowhere to be found, and it was empty..... I took it anyway, but everytime I look at it it makes me cry, so for now, it's inside the china hutch. It's not for the coins, but the senseless destruction to get to them, for something I would have given them had they asked....

There was this steamer trunk that had all moms stuff in it, letters, keepsakes and such. The lock was busted to the point that it could not be repaired and pretty much made the whole thing useless and all the content was gone thru, making it look like a tornado had touched down ..... This was one of the things we would go thru with the three of us. Obviously, it was the 2 of them.  I haven't had time to go thru what was left, before it was cleared out of the house by an estate dealer.

I was summoned to the master bedroom to look at things and was never left alone in there. She told me there were some bolo's of dads, and if I wanted one. I looked at them, but since the one I liked the best (Navajo Eagle inlayed in Turquoise and red Jaspis) was already given to his girlfriend, I didn't really want one, so I put them back. 2 days later, I was accused of stealing them, because after I handled them, she couldn't find them. I was told repeatedly, if I just returned them, nothing else would be said about it. I walked out at that point. 

We had one more date set to get together and go thru the photo albums. She had already decided that I had no right to any of the pictures with her girls in them, and that all the pictures of nephews and nieces were going to them, I also did not have any rights to any pictures that didn't have me in it, because of privacy rules..... WTeverlovingF?!?!  As if I would misuse them?! We grew up as a family, not seperate, and I would like to have some pictures of my sisters, nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles...... Who wouldn't?  I knew she was warped and twisted about how we grew up, but Jesus.... this goes above and beyond crazy!

On the day we were to divide the pictures, I was told that that part would NOT take place, and it would be done by my sisters because I had a disruptive personality! What I could do, was take the boxes they had packed for me and leave. So I did. When we got home, I started to go thru them. The first box was total junk. A shredded boxlid, 6 pairs of old glasses, 2 empty plastic bags, 2 busted up plastic belts and some stuff I don't even remember, but the garbage can was full by the time I was done with the box. Second came bag with busted garden gnomes. A long time ago (about 50 years ago) I had repainted them, because they were faded. Somehow, that translated into them being mine.... But, I was told, the boxes were filled with stuff they thought I wanted. Thanks! I have no idea if/when and which pictures I'm going to get, and what will happen to the ones they do not divide, but I sure hope they get out of it what they think they need, because I'm done with the bunch.  On top of this bullcrap, I had to constantly defend myself over a box of pictures I received from a niece years ago, because I was into the family tree, and she had found them in her moms attic but didn't want them anymore. So, according to what everybody preached about things received before dad passed being seperate and having no baring on anything, it should be mine to keep, especially since it wasn't even part of mom or dads things, but NO, they wanted it, and "big sis" made pretty darn sure that I knew I wouldn't get any of MY pictures, until they got theirs! Well, I guess I won't ever see my pictures, because I have no idea what happened to the box after our last move. Everything that was in the same cabinet, I have yet to find......

I figured out why I was banned though. Because I told her off. After 45 years of putting up with her overbaring bullying attitude so as not get a major shitshow thrown at me, growing up myself and seeing that whatever your upbringing, it's up to you do get over it, deal with it and do better, I just exploded. If you hear her tell it, we did NOT grow up in the same household, and I get that everybody's experience feels different, but she's so far out there, it's not even funny. So,  I told her to quit the passive agressive shit, the "I said it with a smile, so you shouldn't get offended" and still cutting someone down, and that she was at an age that should be considered "grown up" and to act like it. She was not the only one that had a crap time in life, and she didn't get to take it out on me anylonger just because she needed to vent.  Maybe a little harsh, but I was a little on edge too and not as tactful as I probably should have been :-) So maybe I AM a disruptive force for her.....  So that took us into beginning of April.

April 13th I had an emergency surgery because my galbladder busted. NOT FUN! but I was healing OK, so even though I was looking at not lifting anything for another 5 weeks, I was ok, until Friday 2 weeks later. I was in more pain than I can remember ever having. So much so that I called an ambulance.... They took me to the ER where I stayed for 5 hours, painmeds firmly in place. I was discharged, with the explanation that there "may have been a little bit of a galstone still somewhere and it got stuck in whatever galtunnels you have left. It will happen sometimes. Sometimes as far out as a couple of years......" Tjeesh, that's something to look forward to! Doing Ok now, just constantly being reminded of all the crap I have to go thru and figure out what to do with, knowing I can't do any of it until at least halfway May. On the up side, if all the pre-packed boxes are like the first one, it's not gonna take long!

On top of that, is the ongoing debate, whether we are going to keep trying to make a life here, or go back to The States. Mike is done, has been done with being here, and the last almost 2 years with part of the family, and especially the treatment I've been receiving since dad passed, hasn't helped in changing his mind.  I wanted to stay here for the family and a little bit of security, because we would have been living under a bridge the last couple of years in the US, without the social help we received since Mike went from one hospital stay into the next, a boss that wants to get rid of him, but does nothing to help, and screws him at every turn and no income, even though his last 2.5 years of pain is due to him going to work too quick, so he wouldn't lose his job! But, those considerations are slowly being wittled away on, so I'm waffling. This is my homecountry, but it's not the home I grew up in. I've gotten used to the open spaces in the US, the freedom of taking care of yourself the way you see fit, not the way the government thinks it ought to be done. I felt more at home in Iowa after a month, than I have here in the 12 years we've lived here, so yeah, I'm thinking.........

May 3rd came with a whole new anxiety flow. I almost lost the love of my life. He went into the ER with what looked like severe pnuemonia, and within 24 hours was admitted into the ICU, with talk of open heart surgery and possibly not surviving the weekend..... He had so much water accumulated in his lungs and belly that his heart couldn't function. The man I love more than life itself was dissappearing before my eyes. I slept in the hospital waitingroom from Thursday night thru Sunday morning with frequent trips to his bedside to make sure he was still breathing. Midday Sunday, he was transferred to a room with a daybed, and I could stretch out, while keeping an eye on the assortment of machines he was hooked up to keeping an extra eye on the monitor showing his breathing and heartbeat, while he rested...... He's home now, still week, tired and in a good deal of pain, but he's still here, and that's all we care about!

Since my immediate family is an assorted arrangement of nutjobs, except for 2 nieces and their families that I would miss SO MUCH, there's really nothing that holds us here anymore, but that brings up a whole other barrel of anxiety I'm not really ready to deel with right this minute. So for now, I want to clear the house of as much unneeded stuff as I can, with an eye on a probable move in our future, be it across the pond, or more north, closer to my nieces, hoping that my sisters don't object and put their influence on their kids to "good" use and pit them against us.  Nothing is going to happen until Mike has his pension settled, and we know what it is going to be, but it feels like our limbo stick is getting too close to the ground to navigate for much longer..... we'll have to see.

So, you're caught up on the friggin' soap opera that is our life..... On to better times! I'm trying to write a little more upbeat, maybe even start to write (not so?) short stories again, put the family tree in bookform maybe, sort thru my teradrive and finally write that presentation about the castle's history and archeology.... Who knows, maybe we'll even make it out to the coast and enjoy sitting on the beach for a sun-down or 2 and enjoy eachother.

Don't forget to hug that loved one! Love and hugs....

Pauli

Well......... Hell!

Just looked back thru the blog as a "where the H did I leave off" and found most of the pictures gone, and my picture file empty........ No idea how long that has been, but I have no way of finding out which picture I posted with what entry, so I think I'm just quietly going to remove the picture frames from the posts... but the address of the blog has changed as well, so it might have been "done" at the same time. Nice to be told... I had a heck of a time finding my way back when I started posting again, but hadn't checked out the rest of the blog yet.... Something to put on my "to do-list" :-)

 Temperatures are slowly coming down, but it nowhere near feels like fall is around the corner and the trees aren't turning yet, just losing some of their leaves. I did put some light up pumpkins on the coffee-table but keep forgetting to light them, but I "keep thinking on it" ROFL! 

Life is still weird and wacky, we still have no resolve on anything so no further explanation needed there ;-0

Don't forget to hug a Love One!

Love and hugs!

Pauli

Diggin' out from under....

hopefully.......

It's been a while..... Too long, too much going on, too many things going wrong and too little going right, but I'm trying. Being on overload for this long is draining my energy, knowing there's no end in sight...... Lets just say, I'm here right now..... 

and I like to go back to this.....

I won't bore you with details, just sling me an email if you want to know and I'll fill you in, but I have 2 choices at this point, give up or go on, and since giving up was never in my cards, "onwards" it is :-)

I opened up my genealogy blog today. It's been under construction way too long. I started it in 2015, and never got any further than the "coming soon" indication, so, it's time...... Sofar it only has one post. The announcement that it's open for business, basically. Hopefully soon,  I'll be able to go thru some of the boxes with the family tree information, and I'll make an effort to "get on with it" In case you're interested it resides here: https://bit.ly/332tROB

Also, I may start a blog with bookreviews.... Not sure yet, though. Baby-steps is all I'm able to take right now, so if it doesn't materialize soon, I've gotten sidetracked with life. 

The Castle page has been neglected as well, and I will try to fill in the blanks, as mentioned, the genealogy page information (The search is on...) will be "transferred" to the Gathering across the Miles blog, and I will try and post information on how to find information and such on a page on that blog as well.

So pretty ambitious, but I need to get back to life, and this is a nice way to ease into being productive and a little more social, so I hope to see comments here and there...

SOOOOO much to catch up on.....

Well......... 2019 kinda went to hell in a handbasket right after my post in March :-)  Nothing really "new", although a little different than normal. I'll give you a small list in order of events and maybe at a later date, I'll circle back to the "points".....

May - Mike changed jobs from AAFES to The Commissary, doing the same job, with better pay and instead of 1st shift he now works 2nd shift.
June was a busy month for our family of 3 and we were all included in the "good news".
- Mike was in the hospital for 3 days, was released without ever seeing a doctor  and got worse and worse.
- Perky was diagnosed with kidney failure, and we were told that the progression of the disease could have us saying goodbye to our fuzzy roommate anywhere between 6 and 18 months.
- In an effort to appease the powers that be to do community service for at least 20 hours per week.... I became Coordinator for the petting zoo at the castle and was tasked with setting up the care and wellbeing of the animals, as well as figuring out just how to set it all up so we could become a certified petting zoo, however, when I took the job, I wasn't aware that I had to yield to whatever the wife of the director decided.... When I didn't fall into step I was reminded that it wasn't MY petting zoo, I had no say and I just had to follow orders..... making me wonder why she did't take the job in the first place.
July - Mike was admitted as an emergency admittance into the hospital (A different and better one) for 3 weeks, after which he was on bedrest for the rest of the year, with woundcare coming to the house twice a week.
August - I completely lost my shit! By this time instead of a couple times a week, I had a panic attack at least once a day, sometimes 3, couldn't stop crying and just wanted to get away, with nowhere to go. Mike's vacation and sick-pay had run out, so we were completely dependent on the municipality for our bills. Luckily the boss kept paying for his medical insurance, so we at least didn't have to worry about that. (Famous last words!)
De rest of the year followed a pattern.... Keep up a good front and try to hide the panic attacks so Mike wouldn't worry about me as well as everything else and try and take care of him as best I can.
November - After sobbing and freaking out in the office during round "who knows how many" of trying to explain the fact that while off work, Mike wasn't getting paid, and his insurance wasn't paying the bills because the hospital didn't bill according to how the way the insurance wanted to be billed and the insurance wouldn't accept that according to the Dutch practices, the hospital was billing correctly, I was already down to 1 meal every other day while hiding it from Mike so he wouldn't worry,  and how the hell was I supposed to make ends meet on a one person allowance, because for the paying out part, Mike doesn't exist...  The coach first tried to help by telling me that instead of paying for Perky's medicine and special food, we could save 60€ if we were to just put him to sleep, since he was dying anyway and after that netted them me having an actual panic attack in their office, decided to "go easy on me" by sending me to a company doctor to determine my "mental vulnerability" so I could get a job quicker.....

Forward to 2020....
First week of January Mike was released from basic "couch rest", and could start walking around the house and as soon as he did that, he also wanted to/was pressured into go back to work, .... Which he did. He went back to work on February 12th, 4 days a week for 6 hours. No easing into it in either hours or duties. On his feet from the get go. Than Covid19 came around, and ............ Mikes kept going to work and his hours got bumped up to 40 because the Dutch hires had to adhere to the shelter at home rules but Dutch rules do not apply to American workers, I still am not allowed to pursue my business, still need to fulfill my community service (not a hardship, but still.... I don't see healthy people half my age in the same boat?) get absolutely no help in finding a paying job and I still have multiple panic attacks. So I'm not sure if it's good, bad, progress or what, exactly.

My sister is supportive in letting me know she's there when I need her (or her guestroom), and to let her know every once in a while that I'm still breathing, my dad....... not so much (after all, nobody has anything going on in their life, and he's entitled to my attention).

It seems hard for people to understand that I've been doing shit by myself for so long without any form of support system, that the last thing I want is have people around when I'm freaking out and  I do a total communication shutdown... I turn off the ringer on my phone, and check email as little as I can get away with, and even when I get the emails, I don't always hurry and answer. This seems to piss my dad off and instead of getting the hint as well as several not so gentle explanations to leave me be for a bit so I can do what absolutely has to be done, between freak-outs, and to give me time to get my bearings... he insists on letting me know how my actions inconvenience him. I get 6 calls in a row, no voicemails, just call after call, while you have to figure out that if I don't answer the call now, there's a good chance that when you hang up and call right back, I won't answer either......especially when I'm no where near it. When I send him an email with an update, because talking isn't an option without going to pieces, he never answers.... So WTeverlovingF is up with that!?

I know life is a challenge for most people these days and I don't mean to complain. Life does what it does without a whole lot of input from us,with the only option being to deal with it as best we can, but I figured after this long, I should possibly give some kind of explanation, just in case your attempts for contact went unanswered. It's nothing personal, just me trying to get my head around things :-)

On a MUCH happier note..... The castle started building on the gatehouse and the blacksmith-shop now has solid walls and rafters!!

Have I told you.....

how much some "rule enforcers" suck!? No? Well, maybe not all humans are shitheads, but sometimes you have to wonder, right? :-)

We have a couple of updates. In general they're good, one biggie..... not so much, but what else is new?  Let me start with telling you that life as a whole is trotting along, it's just those darned details that'll get ya!

Since my last post, I have lost 2 aunts, got told to take a hike by 3 people (oddly enough all family.... hmmm) We lost a dear friend, followed by 2 neighbors, and moved our household...... So needless to say I have had my fill of funerals for a while, am thoroughly done with packing/unpacking, and I'm ready to go take it easy and get a job! LOL. However, that last thought isn't progressing the way I would have liked, but I've made it this far and there's just does not seem a whole lot of sense in giving up now....

The one thing I keep forgetting is how people are. Movingcompany ripped us a new one on the bill, and refused to pay for damage done by their personnel, handyman ripped us off, by charging for 2 people doing the work, while one was a highschool kid, trying to decide if he wanted to do this job or another for the rest of his life, plus they charged me for the time they spend in the truck having their lunch. When I questioned time/charges vs what we got out of it, he said, "Well, after I send out the bills, the paperwork gets discarded, so I have no way of knowing......"  Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but as a business man, isn't it a) stupid  b)backwards and c)illegal, to throw away who worked what job, how long and where? (Especially since the taxman can question your paperwork for 10 years after filing?) the kicker came when he suggested, that "If I would mention this issue, the next time I enlisted his services, he would make me a deal, but bills that were sent out, needed to get paid in full" AS IF!! What turnip truck does he think I fell off of?!  The old landlord discovered asbestos under our laminate, so we couldn't take it with us, and we couldn't let the new renters buy it from us, however, we had to leave it, and the new renters could keep it.... THAT was one cost we hadn't figured on, because our new livingroom is a little shorter and than the old one, we figured we would just swap it over, and use the leftover flooring in the upstairs boxroom and hallway, and now we had to get all new stuff. The new renters seemed nice, and told me right up front that they would pay for the flooring because it saved them money not to have to buy new. Stupid me, I believed them! And I'm still waiting on the payment. Right after all this I discovered that one municipality is definitly NOT the same as another! We had things figured with our old city to where we would have the same income every month, I would get less when Mike had more hours, and more when he had less, but "total" would be a little below minimum wage for a 2 person household. There was no problem with me depositing money in my account to pay the bills, because they knew Mike gets paid in Dollars, we would take out Euro's and deposit them to cover the bills...  Same with doctor bills, we would pay (when we could), send in the bills to his insurance and either get reimbursed, or not, and depending on whether my account was low, deposit, or leave it in his account or pay the bill and make up the difference (and there always is a difference!)  well, this new place not so much.

I felt like I needed a lawyer, just to get thru the "interview"! The "dickhead-in-charge" kept telling me... "I bet you didn't have to prove ALL your income at the other town, did ya!?"  as if I was making things up as I went along..... I couldn't get thru to him, that my deposits were not "income" because it came from Mike's paycheck, OR that the deposits from the insurance company, we'd already paid, and were NOT income but reimbursement, or, the fact that I don't have an enddate to my Web Designer title, doesn't mean I'm actually making money at it (or that I wouldn't tell them if I did, which was very overtly implied), and neither does the fact that I spend a couple of hours every day looking at designs, practice codes, keep up with trends and learn new things, mean that it brings in any money, or that the potential is there to make 300 to 2000€ with a website, but that I haven't had any takers, or that I have my website online, because I paid for the hosting, but I'm not getting any traffic, because I'm not allowed to advertise......  I couldn't get thru that if I don't do anything for a couple of weeks (let alone months) I might as well forget about ever working at it, because I'll be sofar behind in tech and knowledge, that I won't be able to catch up, and besides, what else can I do all day? It's not like we have money to go do things away from home.....  He looked at it as "income potential" and thus, deductable from possible financial help...  and he had the guts to tell me that "if the glass house I had placed myself in by applying for financial help, was too much, maybe I should consider withdrawing the application"   Mind you, these are the people that are supposed to help.... I would hate to see the ones that aren't. 

All I have been able to think the last couple of months is: WTF!?  This whole process is wrong on so many levels, that I can't even get my head around it anymore....  Obviously, they rather pay for me to sit on my butt all day than that I improve my skills?   When I refused to give anymore information (as in Mikes medical information as a back up for the insurance reimbursements) they denied the claim, so I have no idea where next months bills are going to have to get paid from....  I have been physically ill since this happened and mentally I'm in such a dark hole, it's not even funny, and there's nothing I can do to fix things. Things that would take my mind for a mini-vacation, now just are impositions and in contest with worrying.. I'm dreading "having" to go to the castle, starting next month, haven't thought about  scrapbooking nor did I want to,  can't keep my mind together long enough to learn what I need to learn, I guess, on the upside..... I will be able to honestly tell them that I don't do shit all day, when they ask again!
  
I reapplied, more than a month ago, and they want the same information, but now, instead of going back the mandatory 3 months with information gathering, they want it 6 months... I think I need to change my name and get a tan, maybe claim somekind of status other than "Dutch, over 50 and screwed"......  I'm walking around in a daze, worrying where my next meal is coming from, wondering how long we'll be able to stay here, if we can't pay the rent (and would we want to)  but where would be go?  I can't go with Mike if he goes home, he is very close to the point of not wanting to stay here... we have nothing there, and everything we've been trying to build up here gets taken away.... 

So, in short, this has been the reason I haven't been around, and the fact that my FB, my blog AND my LinkedIn account are being watched for possible indications of me making money..... So glad I'm "home"....  we've been in this boat for going on 8 years and I'm getting to the point that I'm done..... Done being nice, done trying not to be "mad all the time" as I was told that that was really a downer for the people around me,  done putting up a brave face so I don't upset anybody, done trying to do the right thing, done trying to do better ....... just.... DONE!   I'm not good company right now, haven't been for a while, so I'll be taking my leave..... IF or when I do better, I'll be back.  (Maybe sooner, if I need to "talk", but I'll try not to bust your chops with my "drama" as it was put to me)

Don't forget to hug those loved ones? Those that are quietly there for you when you don't realize you need them, and "in your face" there when you do :-)

Love and hugs and hopefully "talk soon"
Pauli

I couldn't

let the year end without letting you know that despite life hitting the fan in so many awkward, unexpected and miserable ways, we're still kicking :-)

To you, and all you hold dear.....

Don't forget to bear-hug those loved ones!!

Love and hugs,

Pauli

I thought I had seen a lot, but

this was a whole "new one" for me.....

How would you like to drive to a restaurant, find a parking spot, get in and sit down, look at the menu, decide what you want,  PULL OUT YOUR PHONE AND CALL A WAITER?

I kid you not! As soon as I saw the sign "Call and order" on the table this kid "packed up and left" LOL!

I took my aunt to the train this morning, and figured, to stave off the blues, I walk around town, have a cup of tea and pick up some creme for Perky's pads. His left foot pad has a cut in it, and the vet recommended Calendula oil..... NOT available here, so would have had to make a trip for it anyway, and figured might as well do it today :-)  So after that, I decided it was too friggin' hot to be walking around and before starting the train trip home, it was time for tea, maybe a sandwich because after all, it was closing in on 2 in the afternoon...... Never got the tea OR the train!. Turns out there hadn't been trains running between our town and Heerlen since 10.30. (We were supposed to take the train at 10.50 to catch the connector to Eindhoven....... Glad Mike had to go in later than we thought, and dropped us off. We would have never made it.) So I walked to the busstation, only to find out that the only bus left that goes to our town, didn't stop at the busstation at all....... But "down the road a bit"...
The good thing is, I did 5400 steps today! ROFL!

After I DID have my cup of tea once I got home, I checked the train Ann was on, and turned out, she had the last train out of Eindhoven that ran without a problem.....  With all the work they do on the stations (taking out comfort and convenience), maybe they ought to have checked the trains and tracks?

Oh well, water, bridge, I'm over it, except that I just lost the ONE little restaurant I really liked, and was introduced to in Singapore by my sister... Delifrance, where the bread was made fresh, and tasted very similar to the bread you get in Paris!

Stay cool, and don't forget to hug that (fuzzy) loved one?

Hugs,
Pauli

I'm so happy!

My dad just sent an email, saying my Aunt from Australia is coming to visit him. It's the sister just below him in age. His older sister died a couple of years ago, and his youngest sister, although living in The Netherlands, doesn't have contact with the family, so Anne is really his only sibling. I met her in the late seventies, but for my parents I was (although around 18 at the time, and able to vote) still in that stage of "seen but not heard"...... Looking back, that was sooooooo wrong, but at the time, we didn't know any better, but I digress.  I've talked to her on the phone a couple of times, not lately though, and I was just thinking of her Sunday.... small wonder :-)  We hit it off, and we're very comfortable talking on the phone, and in letters (she doesn't "do" internet. LOL) but it will be super cool to meet her as adult to adult. (Or old geezer to old geezer by now. ROFL)

Just in a sharing mood today :-)

Don't forget to hug a loved one?

Love and hugs,
Pauli

Canundrum.....

Hope I spelled that right, but too lazy for spellcheck right now LOL!

Soooooo how have you been?😇

I checked my facebook this morning, and kinda went thru "cleaning up", because, you know, when you are jobhunting, you don't want all your rants, raves and weird pictures out there........ And while doing that, I noticed a couple of my rants had drawn "WOW" as a reaction...... and I began to wonder about that..... Was that a happy "WOW, glad I'm not the only one thinking this", a "WOW, I'm glad that didn't happen to me" OR a "WOW, what a bitch!" WOW?

Not sure I wanted to answer to any of those questions, so I quietly moved on......

NO, I'm not off my rocker, just wanted to make you wonder as well.... It's a little lonely in my little corner right now :-)

Don't forget to hug a loved one!

Love and hugs,
Pauli

YIKES!

Hope you had a good Easter and Independence day, and all/any holidays in between. I had no idea it had been this long since I posted. It's not that I was having fun, but time obviously got away from me anyway :-)

Well, there is no big news from this end, so that may also be a reason I haven't been talking..... Mike is healing nicely and slowly catching up on what is "normal" in the healing time department.  He's getting better, but how good he will be at the end...... no one can tell.  He can reach, still throws like a girl (hi hi), but his aim is getting better and he has more control over what the muscles do, he's up to lifting 20LB and he is down to twice a week on his physio...... so before long, he'll be back on full duty. We still haven't heard what is going to happen with work, but in the last month 2 people have left, but there is a "we can't talk about it" rule in effect, so I'm thinking it doesn't have anything to do with the job cuts. It feels kinda strange, on the one hand, you feel bad for them because both were with the company 20 years, but at the same time, you're happy because that increases Mikes chances of still having a job when all this is over......

I'm trying to find a job, but it gets tiresome to be told you're "not in our demographics", or "we're a young team" if you know you have to work at least 17 more years before you can retire, and not have to apply for jobs anymore to keep getting financial help so you can pay the bills. Which, at the moment, isn't much help, since it was decided that we should be able to make the bills AND eat on €900 (The minimal minimum income for one person). I was told "it's doable" and when I asked if she had tried it before, I was told the interview was over, so I took that as a "Hell no!" Oh well, some things don't change.

Castle is going along swimmingly. The foundation is laid for the blacksmith shop, drawings are in the final stages for the gatehouse, I'm almost done with the animal selection for the petting zoo, and the plans are made for where the stables and such are going to be. We got confirmation that the foundation cannot be used for the gatehouse, so we're going to put poles alongside it, put a buffer on top of the poles, and build the building on top of this "pillow". The impression is that none of the rest of the foundations is in any better shape so this will be the norm for the farm buildings.

Our fuzzy roommate thought it would be fun to jump out of the front window a couple of weeks ago. We had the windows wide open, and normally he doesn't really pay much attention, but you can imagine my horror when I come walking into the living room, and all I see is a tail disappearing from view.  I don't think I've been downstairs in this short of a timespan EVER, but once I got there, the little shit was nibbling on the plants, as if he had planned it.  The lady downstairs told me a week or so ago, that she saw him come by her window, but she didn't have the heart to go look if he landed ok.  Oh, that boy! :-)  It did something to him, though and he hasn't been himself, it's like in one dive, his body decided that he was, indeed 14 years old. He's not jumping on the table (he'll jump off it, though) but finds a way to get there in stages (floor, chair, tabletop or floor, couch, bookcase, tabletop) but he runs and plays, eats in his normal picky way, and grooms himself, so he's going to be checked out by the vet this week to make sure it's just mental caution. Hopefully,  he's just sore and realizing he isn't a kitten anymore.

Well, this isn't much for the better half of 7 months of silence, but I think you're caught up on the highlights ;-)

Don't forget to hug a loved one?

Love and hugs,
Pauli

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I wish you and yours all the best in the coming years, and on the chance that I'm repeating myself....

May the best of your past, be the worst of the future!!

This pretty much sums up my wish, for everyone :-)

I think life has simmered down to a dull roar. Mikes surgery on his right eye was a perfect success! He completely freaked me out on the day after surgery, when we went in to get the bandage taken off. We're sitting in a waiting hall, about 10 feet from a door with writing on it, and all of a sudden he asks me "what does "kunden hilfe" mean? After telling him that it means customer service, I'm trying to figure out where he got it from, when I spot the grey door, with white writing on it........ I'm floored! He always made fun of himself, saying that if he takes off his glasses, he might as well close his eyes, because he can't see past 10 inches, and here he is, reading at 10 ft..... When we got home is when it really hit me what he's been going thru the last couple of years....... Miepje, the neighbors calico-cat that he's been feeding, because its owner kicks it outside 23 hours of the day in wind, rain, snow or heat, usually comes running when he comes home, or out the door. When we got out of the car, she did what she usually does... came out of nowhere, and circled his feet, rubbing his legs and purring. He does what HE usually does, bends over and rubs her and talks to her. Only this time, he stops with his hand on her back, gets real quiet en says...... Sweetie, you're beautiful! I just about cried. Turns out he hasn't seen colors in a couple of years! He told me later, that it got gradually darker, greyer and blurrier.... No wonder he hasn't been into going places!  So I made this sneaky plan, to take him to Amsterdam, to the national museum this summer. Not entirely sure how to pull that off yet, but it's going to happen! :-)

At his pre-op we got a little bit of a shock though..... We're getting information on what time to be there, what kind of lens they're going to put in, how long the healing will be and a date for when he'll have surgery on his left eye! WHAT!? We're looking first at each other, and than at the doc like he has 2 heads and horns when he tells us that. On our initial visit, he said that his left eye has a little bit of a problem, but it will keep, and not even 6 weeks later, it needs done as well?  Turns out, that Mikes eyes need such a high corrective lens that with one eye almost perfect and one with the strength he has, will give him headaches and balance problems. And after seeing that he hasn't wore his glasses since he got home from surgery......... We're ok with it. So, January 15th is pre-op for that, and January 31st is surgery, and the start of a new look on life for him. I AM SOOOOO HAPPY FOR HIM!!

Shoulder is progressing slowly, but progressing. Work agreed to pay the bills, but there was initially no indication when, and whether they will also pay the enormous late fees. I did get an ETA after I completely freaked out because the hospital was going to send a court appointed appraiser to our house, so they can see what we own that they can take to sell and pay our bills that way.... The appointed person taking care of his account looks at it every 45 days........ so if they look at it today, and we send them a bill tomorrow, it will be 6 weeks before they do anything with it..... (i.e send it to the translators, get it back, look at the charges, decide on payment, send it to accounting and cut a check, mail it out, and hope it goes priority mail and not by boat)  but at least I have something to tell the doctors offices when they call for payment 😕

Today I'm taking the day off. We have nothing planned, no "need to do's" so I'm not even getting out of my jammy's. LOL.  Tomorrow we have a check up for Mikes eye, Wednesday Physio, Thursday Physio, Doc and base and we're back to the races.... 

My appointment in Maastricht got rescheduled to the 8th of Januari and the 12th of January I'm spending the morning at City Hall........ Appointment with my caseworker, appointment with someone that may be able to help me actually work at being a webdesigner after all, and pick up the parking permit, so we can park in front of our own house on Saturdays........ 

Castle is open one more week, and than it closes until Carnaval vacation to open up for the season day after Easter.... Other plans than this......... I don't have at the moment :-)

I hope you have an awesome year, I will keep you posted on our goings on and plan on doing it a little bit more often, but mainly a little bit more upbeat. I was reading back a bit, to see where I left off, and noticed a trend of whining, complaining and grumbling....... NOT what I want to be! So my plan for the new year is, to notice something that amazed me and makes me happy at the end of every day.

Well, there's a bacon, eggs and waffle breakfast calling my name, so I'll take my leave. Don't forget to hug a loved one?

Love and hugs,

Pauli