long day......

You ever heard the saying, "being brave is being scared but doing it anyway"? Well... I got brave this weekend :-)

After Mikes heart surgery, we were making plans. Tentative, knowing that what we wanted, and what he would be able to manage within the next year, might mightily differer and would differ from one day to the next, but we were making plans. Something we hadn't done in a a couple of years. We were pretty much living between appointments, so this was new to us......
 

We made a list of things we wanted to do, things we had postponed to do and things that had been on our "some day" list. We weeded out the easy things to focus on within the first 8 months, the time that stood for his rehab, with one "big thing" as a reward when he was given the All Clear. A short vacation to either Denmark or Normandy. Normandy had been his big want for a long time, so even though Denmark made the list, I was fully committed to planning for Normandy :-) I wanted him to have something good, that he had wanted for a long time, after all the crap he had to go thru over the last 6 years.

The list of "easily achived" things contained a Buhurt tournament at the castle of Teylingen, where a friend of mine is the curator, preceded by a sunup on the beach and breakfast. That tournament was this weekend.

I had spoken to several people about the fact that things we used to do together, didn't seem right to enjoy by myself, because it was "our thing" and a big part of the fun was the sharing of something we both loved, but several people expressed the sentiment, that doing  these things we had planned or talked about, could be seen as honoring our love and celebrating our life together. I mulled, as I am want to do, and decided to give it a try. I figured if it got to be really tough or I didn't enjoy it, I could leave.

So, I told my friends that I would come, and they very graciously offered me their guest room, so I wouldn't have to drive the two and a half hours twice on one day. I was floored. We knew each other from a tour at the castle. They were there for the tour, and stayed for about a 6 hour visit of talking, we got together once more and texted a bit back and forth and we just clicked, but I was floored by their generosity! They really didn't "know" me, but they still opened their home to me. It means a lot!

After figuring out what time sunup should be, how long the drive would be and packing a bag, I drove away Monday morning at 3.45 to greet the beginning of a new day on the beach accompanied by about 3 tons of butterflies and second thoughts.

I made it to the beach, but the sun never did :-) I was there just as the night sky turned lighter. I wanted to do what we used to do when we lived in Reno, and would go to the Northern California coast for a weekend.... sit on the beach, and let the sound of the waves and the feel of Mikes arms around me cocoon me. I got neither, it was raining, and there was nowhere to just "be"  and other than as a memory, Mikes arms weren't there, but somehow, it was still ok.  Not a big "HUH!" moment but another trembling baby step on this journey I wasn't ready for.  

 

 

I had a cup of coffee at a hotel restaurant while trying to dry out a little, and made my way to the tournament..... It was different from the events at the castle I used to "tourguide" at, but so interesting.  The castle is "same 'cept different" from ours. Same because it's a ruin as well, different because of the sheer history. This is not a castle connected to one family, this was a castle connected to a nations history.....   The Buhurt tournament made my head hurt, though. Man! The hits these guys took and doled out...... I'm used to exhibition reenactments. They go thru the motions, but pull their punches. Not these guys! They. Hit. HARD.  I know it sounds a bit bloodthirsty but it was awesome!!! :-)

http://www.youtube.com/@BuhurtInternational

 

https://kasteelteylingen.nl/

The knights hall. The arches are part of the cellars, The chimney was the floor of the great hall and above it were living quarters.

Chutes delivering fresh air to the cellars.

Stairs going up to the pallisades

The wall with the moat, surrounding the defendable (oldest) part and the adjoining buildings

 

The tower from another angle, with the moat

The great hall at night. knowing the propietor has its priviledges......

 

So that was my brave thing. I went somewhere we had planned to go together, and I came out ok-ish. I still have the butterflies, and writing this,  I miss him in a constant ache, but at the same time, I'm crawling toward this new normal I wasn't, and probably never will be, ready for.   I know that once the tired kicks in when I get home tomorrow that sets the feelings and thoughts free, it will be a different story.....

 

This week was no fun.........

After my fun day at Mondo Verde, taking pictures and catching up with an old friend, my week went to hell in a very tight handbasket!  Thursday, I didn't feel "right" but mostly OK. Friday I went to my ceramics class and didn't feel too hot when I got home, and within 2 hours I was sicker than I have been in a VERY long time. In between passing out I got a visit from the yard crew. I had asked them to come, to get an initial handle on it, and hopefully be able to keep up with it after.... Well, can or not, I wil have to. He was here ONE HOUR, and charged me 200€!!! I was too miserable to argue, so I paid, but I really feel like this is highway robbery at it's finest. He used my mower, came in at 6.10 and left at 6.59 ..... I don't even know of a lawyer that makes this kind of money!  Lesson learned.....

I didn't keep any food down till about Wednesday and started with white rice, graduating to bread and potatoes on Friday. Had a full meal last night, but it didn't sit well, so it's back to bland fare today....  Great weightloss plan, but I'm a little hesitant to recommend it.  

This little stint DOES mean, that I haven't been able to go back to Henri Chapelle to finish up the pictures and get my questions answered, but I was able to do a little more finetuning of questions and avenues to figure :-)  Today, I'm just hanging out, have some snacks, light meal and watch movies. After sleeping from Friday afternoon, pretty close nonestop thru Wednesday evening, I'm a little wired :-)

Hope your having a great easter. It's a little gloomy here, but it started out as a wonderful spring day, that I thoroughly enjoyed, turning cloudy around 8.30 or so.  Had a cup of tea on the back patio around 7 this morning and after hanging out all day I'm about to see if I can get interested in cooking an early dinner.  

I miss my soulmate ....... I have a big bowl of tulips next to his picture, but it is not the same, even though we generally didn't do anything special for Easter other than cook a little more fancy, it's still different from "regular". It almost feels like I miss him more with every day I have a little more time to think. Paperwork is slowly falling into place, things get arranged, and I have time to sit without working on the next problem to solve..... almost like giving my mind and heart permission to feel the loss. I guess it's the nature of things from now on.

Well, don't forget to hug those loved ones!!!

Love and hugs,

Pauli

Today was a good day.....

    Today, I went with a friend to a park he goes to a lot, just to take pictures....... So.... Pictures, we took!

It was good, we started with coffee and catching up, walked a bit, talked a lot, had some more coffee, walked, talked, repeat, all the way to closing time at 6.  I finally, around 3 this morning, got my camera off Macro, which means, I can pictures far away, with zoom, without having one colorful blur, instead of what I was aiming at. Haven't found the user manual yet, so I'm a little leary to take it off the setting it's on, because.... I made some actually cool pictures today :-)  This one has to be my favorite, but I couldn't help playing with it, so see if I can make it better....... Turns out you can make some things different, but not better. Let me know which one you like best? Can you tell the original from the "doctored" one?

 And of course these are not the only ones I took... I LOVE this setting I have the camera on right now. Of the 128 pictures, only 10 came out blurry, so I'm extremely happy.  I'll put my absolute favorites here, in no particular order :-)

That's it for me, for today. Have some stuff to do to get ready for my next round of picture taking for a friend at Henri Chapelle, military war cemetery in Belgium.... I think, with redo's I have about 60 or so memorials to photograph, edit and than post..... 

One appointment on Thursday, followed by a quick grocery-shop and I'm in until Monday :-) 

Not sure where I found this, but.... yeah! :-)

Don't forget to hug your loved ones as if there is no tomorrow, because having one is not guaranteed!

Love and hugs!

That about sums it up....

 If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, if you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire, walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

                                                                    (Going thru Hell - Dave Berg)

I went out and learned things.........

 I've been holed up at the house, with my grief and panic attacks, only going out when I absolutely HAD to. Trying to get stuff fudged up as little as possible, because, even though the powers that be tell you to do things after your partner passes, once you start doing what they say is the right things, more times than not, turns out to be not what's in your best intrest..... and it adds a whole new layer to your agony.

Yesterday, I took on a "task" after receiving a message thru Find A Grave for photo requests for Henri Chapelle Cemetery in Belgium.

I dressed for a blizzard as the house was sitting on 57 degrees, and the top of the car was sparkly, so I figured it was cold out. HAH! before I was halfway into my 30 minute journey, I pulled over and stripped my coat and thermals, still leaving me in a sweater, but it was as far as I could go without getting ticketed, so I went with it, anyway. That's also when I realized that my "lunch" was still on the kitchen counter, including my waterbottle, so I made the decision to stop somewhere for a cup of coffee and a snack.

Once at the cemetery, I first enjoyed the quiet dignity of the place, before realising that I was doing this alone. Yep, there's a lot of those moments these days. Times I want to tell Mike something, times I just want his eyes on me with that halfsmile to let me know we're on the same page and all was good, the quiet in the house from both of us doing our thing, but still being together is different from the utter and crushing quiet of the house these days. Going somewhere alone and coming home, not having him here to share what we've been up to, while we weren't together. Knowing that he will not come home in a while, knowing that at a time of our lives that he would be healthy enough again to go places, take that boattrip on the river, go for that walk on the beach, stay in a hotel on a lake and enjoy the cameradery..... but I digress.

 Cemetery walk...... Right!

The request was for pictures of all the markers for unknown soldiers. Around 90, so quite a bunch, but I had a plan.  I had bunched them together by section, and planned on taking the pictures, talk to the office with questions and leave. Figured it would take 4 hours or so...... yeah.... nope! For starters, I'm in a lot worse shape than a year ago, so the getting up and down to take the pictures was quickly getting painful, but also, it had gotten hot quick, and my plan wasn't as well thought out as I though it was :-)  But, I got part of it done, and planning on going back on Sunday. It's going to be a roundabouttrip. Gas up first as Belgium gas is about 20 cent cheaper than in Holland, and I have to cross the border anyway ;-0. and than I will take pictures, possibly swinging by the Chinese place and than be home until Tuesday, when I have a conversation scheduled with the attending physician the day Mike died. Not sure what to think or expect, but hoping for a little bit peace.

I didn't get as much done as I thought I would in way of picture taking, only about half, but it gave me a better idea on how to do things more streamlined, which is good. When I got too hot to be outside, and before the office closed, I tried my luck to get some questions answered, and was SO happy when I walked out at closing time. I had answers, options and insights!

Last night I spent about 5 hours editing and posting pictures to the site and laid down to get some sleep around 2 AM... about par for the course these days.  If you want to know what I learned, I put that part on the Gathering Across the Miles site.

Hug that loved one as if it's the last time!!!

Another year almost gone......

 When I started writing this post on December 14, all was still right in my world. I was going to tell you about our unofficial plans and the things we were looking forward to experiencing and planning..........

It is now Januari 5th, and my world is shattered. Mike, my heart, my rock, my soulmate died on December 16 and I said my final goodbye on Christmas Eve.

It was very unexpectedly and even the hospital was at a loss of what happened and how fast it happened. 

He was ok and on the mend, and than he was gone....... I feel like I severely failed him, like I should have insisted on "more" should have taken care of him better, faught for him harder......... Secondguessing telling the doctor that we each had decided that if the time came, neither one of us wanted to become a vegetable, and to not let the other suffer..... "What if 's" are running rampant at this time...... I'll be off the air for a while, got things to still take care of, got things to digest, things to figure out and a lot of things to come to terms with.....