All year, I did what had to be done, I grocery shopped, did chores around the house when it needed it, or I thought about it, took care of paperwork and tried to minimize the damage if I couldn't, and when Mikes birthday hits, it all of a sudden becomes harder.... The groceries are a chore I don't want to do, picking up the house is an excercise in trying to bite back tears, doing dishes for one get shoved away until it looks like there's a family living here again, and the nights are no longer just short..... they're non existent. An hour of sleep here, 2 hours some hours later, or no sleep at all for 3 nights and than wiped out for 10 hours, and through it all, my heart hurts, my soul aches and I wonder, what's the sense in this...... Do I really want to do this like this for the next howevermany years I'm still here? And if I don't, how do I fix this gaping hole in my life?
There's also days I can almost fake that all seems to go OK... I go places, see people, even laugh although my heart is not really functioning on the "happy" level or even remotely close to it...I can take a mental break for a bit, but being busy and I go thru the motions, because it's expected, after all, according to what I've heard... it's been almost a year .
Almost a year that I lost the love of my life, the heart of my soul and the love we were supposed to have thru the rest of our days...... and calendar wise, yes, time moved on, but for me, I'm stuck on December 16, 2024.... The day my world crashed, spectacularly and irrevokably.
And now the Holidays come along....
- I put up a tree,
- I dug out a couple of decorations and I put up a teddybear next to Mikes picture
- I'm trying to watch some of the movies we had planned last year..... You see, we made a list of one "Christmas" movie a night from Thanksgiving till Christmas Eve. Mind you, they're not Hallmark movies.... well, not all of them :-) Die Hard is on there, as is Violent Night, but there's also White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street, that we were going to watch, in an effort to get away from living from one doctors appointment to the next and get used to "normal" as soon as Mike was cleared thru the Heart Rehab. One of the little things that we were looking forward to was the freedom to plan ahead a little, and not being dependent on somebody needing us in a specific place at a moments notice. But I have turned off most of them within a couple of minutes. They don't hold my intrest,
- I do what we've done for a couple of years to keep the grocery bill down and still have a little extra...Starting after Thanksgiving, every time I shop, I pick up one or 2 things that will keep or are special treats, to use for the Holidays. Do you know how much it sucks to buy fun stuff for one, for the Holidays? When I was single, I was really ok being alone. I was happy by myself, doing my thing. But after having done "our" thing for so many wonderful years, trying to get back to that "happy by myself" doesn't work anymore. I miss my other half, my world is missing its Centerpiece!
So, I think, for the rest of the year, I'll go hide. Not sure what the 16th will bring, nor how I'll weather Christmas Eve. No idea what's next. Not dreading the New Year but not looking forward to it either, just kind of circling......
Thank you for sticking with me this year. It can't have been easy from your end, but it IS appreciated from mine. So...I'll see you sometime next year, and send youmy wish for you and yours.........
Don't forget to hug those loved ones....
Love and hugs
Pauli
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